“Twitter users will need a ‘verified account’ to get recommended on the platform’s For You page starting on April 15th, according to a Monday evening tweet from CEO Elon Musk. Given that Twitter has promised to start dismantling the ‘legacy’ verified system at the beginning of April, that appears to mean that you’ll have to be a company, government entity, or Twitter Blue subscriber if you want to pop into the feeds of people who don’t follow you.” — The Verge

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Starting April 15, the White Hand of Saruman will only be given out to Uruk-hai who have a paid subscription to SaruBlue. You do not know pain, you do not know fear, and you will taste man-flesh, all for just $8 a month.

I realize this is a change from our previous model, in which White Hands were given out to all my perfected, fighting Uruk-hai, but this subscription-based model is the only realistic way to ensure true, authentic Uruk-hai are within our midst.

For the same reason, only SaruBlue subscribers will be able to vote in Isengard polls, such as meal substitutes for maggoty bread and the best ways to penetrate Helm’s Deep (I have gotten a lot of letters about this). Bearers of my White Hand will also have prioritized access to smelling whether a city is rank with fear and will be given a headstart on staining the land with the blood of Rohan. Additionally, White Hand-verified subscribers will be boosted and made more visible to the Eye of Sauron.

There will be no dawn for men, nor will there be prioritized rankings for non-SaruBlue subscribers after April 15.

Yes, I have heard the growls from prominent Uruk-hai in our platform, such as Lurtz, who has threatened to leave if he has to pay monthly to keep the White Hand of Saruman burned on his head. My response is that SaruBlue is more about treating everyone equally. There shouldn’t be a different standard for certain Uruk-hai just because they are humongous and were among the first Uruk-hai to be bred, IMO.

Of course, you need good customer service for money. Working on it. But a new power is rising—its victory is at hand. Advertisers and The Ring will eventually come back. Those who have elected not to subscribe to SaruBlue have elected the way of… pain. Not to mention they will have much less reach and social impact compared with SaruBlue subscribers who are White Hand-verified.

I have foreseen the future using the palantír, and it is essential that Isengard become profitable very soon. I dug you all out of a hole, and now I’m in a bit of a hole myself—a financial one. Whom do you serve? Saruman, as well as my investments. I am working hard to build a great force and potential media disruptor for Middle-earth, and SaruBlue will play a big part in that long-term plan.

So, my Uruk-hai, hunt that $8 down and do not stop until it is found.

To war!

— Saruman