When two teenagers pass me on their bicycles and shout, “Nice mustache” and pedal off laughing, are they being sincere? I like to think so. But I’m not completely sure.
If I enter my house to find my wife in bed with another man, and she says, “My God, your mustache looks incredible.” Is she merely trying to distract me while she throws on her clothes and her lover escapes out the bathroom window? Or does my mustache just look particularly sharp that day?
When I arrive to my father’s house and I find his mustache waxed and curled at the tips and him wearing a T-shirt that reads “My ‘stache is better than my son’s.” Should I view this as an insult or as a playful competition? If it is harmless, why then does he offer me a glass of milk, which is quite obviously Nair?
At work, does my secretary stare at my mustache so much because she is enamored by it? If so, then why does she frequently shout at me that she hopes I choke on my own “precious mustache”? And is this even a realistic expectation on her part, that I could physically choke on my own facial hair?
Why does my young child wear Groucho Marx glasses and fake mustache and go around smashing himself into walls saying “I’m my father. Look at me! I’m my father,” while everyone else in the library laughs. Is this a classic Marx Brothers’ routine, or is he actually pretending to be me? Furthermore, if he is indeed mocking me, am I enabling him by laughing hysterically at his joke?
When I am mowing my lawn and the neighbors shout, “While you’re at it, trim that mustache of yours.” Should I assume this is a case of wisecracking between neighbors? When I do laugh and they charge at me with lawn sheers trying to chop at my mustache should I still assume it is a joke and continue laughing?
When I visit my doctor and he tells me that in order to perform the medical procedure he’ll need to shave my mustache completely off, is he being truthful? Does a simple flu shot really require me to shave? Is it not more logical that he hates me because I recently walked in on he and my wife in my bedroom?
When I go to a major league baseball game and they put my picture on the JumboTron in between innings and the entire stadium begins laughing, should I feel honored? If yes, then why do the players begin targeting their baseballs at my face?
In the last State of the Union Address, why did the President joke that he was going to send FEMA out to rescue my upper lip?
Recently, when the reporters on the news talk about the devastating effects of the oil spill on the Gulf Coast, why do they always put a picture of my face up on the screen and say, “Imagine the sea is the man’s face and oil is this man’s mustache”?
Well, I’ve thought about it a lot, and I think I may have the answer. I think that maybe I need to grow a soul patch.