Dr. Cook, my esteemed colleague, thank you for joining me in the research laboratory. Recently I’ve noticed an intense pain emanating from my lower back. I can still run and perform physical tasks without incident. The issue only presents itself when I Nae Nae.
It’s difficult for me to describe my ailment without performing the afflicting hip-hop plié in context. If you’ll indulge me, I shall use our facility’s boombox and Silentó cassette to demonstrate precisely how the Nae Nae corrupts my entire spine.
Now watch me Whip.
I’m able to squat whilst extending my right arm without difficulty. My core is stabilized. Thighs are locked, no discomfort whatsoever in the lumbar vertebrae while engaged in Whip.
But observe what happens as I transition to Nae Nae.
Watch me, watch me. Ooh ooh ooh OOH!
The Nae Nae heralds blinding pain from the trapezius through the latissimus dorsi, triggering an emergency shutdown of my central nervous system. Thankfully the effects are fleeting; I regain control of my facilities within a matter of seconds. Please help me up.
I understand your concerns, Dr. Cook. Under ordinary circumstances I would cease all dancing activity and lay down. But you know that’s not possible.
I am the renowned Gordon Jones, Ph.D., a Right Livelihood Award-winning laboratory biologist. I spearheaded a breakthrough procedure to identify early onset dementia by applying the Dougie to mice. If I refuse to study the effects of Nae Nae, especially in concert with Whip, I will lose the respect of my peers, as well as the very principles that make me a superior analyst.
Now watch me Stanky Leg.
Watch me Stanky Leg with maximum efficiency. Thus my ailment cannot be associated with the acetabulofemoral joint. I’ll perform two more repetitions, getting lower to emphasize added stress on the anterior cruciate ligaments. Stank Stank.
Now Break Your Legs… no, not your legs, Dr. Cook, my legs — the name of this movement is classified under the dancing genus “Break Your Legs.”
Now watch me Bop.
Observe the range of motion in my upper extremities as they travel from front to back. Bop Bop. Now ask yourself how could I achieve such fluctuation in trajectory and still be exiled from Nae Nae?
Finally, observe as I Whip again. No loss of structural integrity on the second circuit of Whip.
And once more we arrive at my undoing.
Watch me, watch me. OOh OOh OOh OOh!
And once more, as you can see, I’ve Nae Nae’d all over my myself.
Dr. Cook, please log for your notes that a small trace of blood is trickling from my right ear. As I observe my hands, they appear almost alien. There’s a strong possibility I’ve suffered a stroke.
I know it’s against your every instinct as a practitioner of medical science, but I must insist we proceed. These last several steps are quite sophisticated, even for me.
Now watch me Yule.
I am an educated man, Dr. Cook; a graduate of Johns Hopkins, valedictorian of my class. Now watch me Superman. I’ve worked tirelessly over the past four decades to achieve success in my field.
Now watch me Duff.
I have a loving family whom I cherish deeply. Duff. Duff. Duff ’em. Please don’t cry, Dr. Cook.
Now watch me Bop.
Bop. Bop. Dr. Cook, Elizabeth, I need you to bear witness with unobstructed vision. Bop Bop. Doctor I am not asking you—I am telling you — watch me Whip.
There is one last piece of data I must share before we conclude. I’ve never Nae Nae’d three rounds in succession. I’m not entirely sure what will happen to me.
Do not allow what transpires next to question your faith in the scientific process, Elizabeth; I made up my mind before I entered this lab. I was going to Nae Nae until completion. There is nothing you could’ve done to stop me. This isn’t goodbye, Dr. Cook. This is Nae Nae.
Watch me! Watch me! OOH OOH OOH OOH!
… It’s happening! The Nae Nae! My God, it’s working!
Hang on. This is the Hotline Bling.
Dr. Cook, mark the time. The experiment has resulted in catastrophic failure. Also my shoulders have fallen off. And I can hear purple.