Due to bad weather, Doug’s meditation class is canceled. It’s more than bad weather, according to Doug, it’s this goddamn nagging feeling Doug has had since childhood. That thing where joy and freedom are like shadowy specters detected in the corner of one’s eye, the sort of thing that darts away the moment you try to focus on it, like the way a drunk sees mice that may or may not be at the foot of a chair across the room. Doug woke up today, and out of nowhere, thought that maybe all of this living by scheduled meditation and organized classes is to blame for how he’s feeling; that maybe conscious contact with something bigger than ourselves is something that happens on its own schedule, when we least expect it, like maybe when you’re driving on the rummiest or most plain stretch of highway on the edge of town, running an errand you don’t really want to run. So, you know, Doug immediately went about scheduling errands that would take him along the most plain and even unsavory sections of highway. He said it would be like that movie The End of The Tour and that he’ll find calm enlightenment by eating junk food, maybe even smoking, and driving along four lanes dotted with Pizza Huts, big-box electronics retailers, and chain sporting goods stores. So, he canceled the class.
We tried to explain to him that The End of The Tour is a movie, not real life. It’s something people worked very hard to create as a piece of entertainment or a beautiful point of contemplation to enjoy and then discuss; that obviously many deeply unfortunate realities of real life pressed upon the characters and the people they are based on. We tried to explain that maybe part of meditation and conscious contact is being of service to others and not just yourself. That last part is something Taylor in Guest Services told us he learned in rehab for Adderall. But Doug was having none of it. If you’ve taken Doug’s meditation class, you know what we’re talking about. He doesn’t mean to be cruel, but he’s one of these people torn between thinking he can figure shit out on his own, and considering input from others; at best, he merely humors people with good ideas and intentions. Meanwhile, he’s solidly into his 40s, and apparently “working” consists of sitting on his ass three days a week for 30 minutes, while he plays the second Sade album on the speakers in the Yoga room and tells people to simply notice their thoughts. And evidently that’s too much to show up for today.
Taylor got on the call and was telling him he can’t cancel the class and the whole time we were listening to Taylor, we were thinking, “Welp, that’s how you get Doug to cancel the class for sure.” That’s the thing about Doug: you just don’t corner him. He’s a great guy in a million ways, but he was raised by explosive suburban narcissists. He’s a coyote, and when you corner a coyote, shit gets ugly real fast. Or, in this case, Doug’s meditation class gets canceled real fast. If you’re a student of his, one thing we hope you’ll take from today’s email about Doug’s meditation class being canceled is this: Doug lives by his principles. If something doesn’t feel right today, he doesn’t do it, and who among us can honestly say we do that? God bless Taylor and everything he went through when he started abusing his Adderall prescription (then progressed to buying sketchy shit off the internet to get around confronting cheap doctors who suddenly tightened up on refills when a colleague went to prison), but for as enlightened as rehab may have left him, Taylor doesn’t know a fucking thing about a feral spiritual layperson like Doug. You have to approach Doug like a wild animal in a suburban garage, understanding that he’s connected to raw energy, highly disoriented, extremely prone to a zero-sum game in negotiating his well-being, and you’ve likely put yourself between the animal/Doug and his escape route. It’s a goddamn powder keg of a situation, and frankly, we’re glad that all it lead to was the cancellation of Doug’s meditation class. The fact that the weather is bad will hopefully make the cancellation a little easier to take for most of you. Be assured that magic is still afoot, and we still have much to discover in the subconscious and unconscious realms. You’re just not going to discover it today, at least not with Doug. Except for Laura, who is likely with Doug, as — surprise! — she has just called in to cancel 9:30 Beginner Yoga. Devin from our Membership Department said it best when he said that Doug is his own worst enemy, but in case that’s not enough enemies, he’s got Laura. Alas, we try and concern ourselves only with what happens to the class schedule, and so we’ll keep it to that.
We apologize for any inconvenience, but feel free to tweet or subtweet your dissatisfaction with us, since those are the times we’re living in, and evidently no amount of meditation changes that.
— The Management