Good morning! I cannot even describe to you how much meditation has changed my life, but obviously, I will. My mind used to be so trapped in reactionary cycles, and now I’m gaining clarity on the sources of my pain. The secret is I don’t meditate like just anybody. I’m using my smartphone as a tool for self-awareness and inner peace. My meditation app makes me feel SO much better than you.

As soon as I downloaded Wakeful and listened to the guided meditations, I started seeing the world differently. I’ve finally opened my eyes to the universal light and our chance encounters with the divine. Don’t you think so? Like, for example, how do you think the universe conspired to bring us together right now? Of course, I desperately needed therapy and I’m paying you $130 an hour, but I mean, other than that. It’s so serendipitous that we’re present in this place, and it is truly amazing that I’m even bothering to talk to you.

Wakeful opened my eyes. Stumbling through life asleep and unaware made it impossible to reflect on my reactive patterns; sort of in the same way you’re blinded to how unbecoming that top looks on you. It’s a fantastic metaphor for our limited experience. I’m sure that there’s no way you can see, I mean, truly see how much that top makes your shoulders look rounded and bulbous. But meditation frees us all to witness our truest selves, and that vision breaks us free from our fears. Left unattended, that fear controls us. Like if I were you, I would be absolutely mortified, I mean — would not be caught dead — in that sweater.

Using the app changed the relationship I have with my iPhone X. After examining my deepest intentions, I decided to upgrade. I also got absolutely trashed at my cousin’s wedding and dropped my second iPhone 8 in the margarita fountain, but I’m not the yogi who claims to have all the answers. I prefer to think of myself as a leaning Buddha, and on that particular night, I was leaning directly into the kitchen sink of a $400 per-night Airbnb. I assume Wakeful works on Android, which tracks with your whole “let-me-write-that-down” vibe.

I never anticipated the effects Wakeful would have on my body. I used to constantly compare myself to others, trapped in cycles of jealousy and self-judgment, but now I finally see that I have absolutely nothing to be jealous of. I don’t mean jealous of you, of course. Who would be? You smell like an old book took a shit on a pile of Goodwill cardigans. Anyway, I know I’m already Instagram hot, but I had no idea how much better my body would feel than yours. Your aura seems toxic and off-balance, especially since we deepened our third-eye connection today.

I’ve learned to be self-compassionate, not to mention self-congratulatory. I admit freely that I love myself! I even love you, despite how much you’ve frowned and coughed since we started. I highly recommend Wakeful’s free introductory lessons. If you can find time to scroll through random Facebook posts and gab with all these losers, you can improve the hollow specter of what you call “your life” with meditation. Of course, Wakeful isn’t for everyone. Each light-being follows their own journey, but we can obviously see how that’s worked out for you. You listen to sad people for money. So.

Have you ever thought about the word attention? Of course you haven’t, but you know what I mean. Attention comes from the root “attend,” which in Middle English means “to apply one’s mind or energies to.” You aren’t even paying attention to me right now. I’m right here, silly! Naturally, your inattention will affect my Yelp review, which, since I’m attending to my truths, will be scathing.

So, since you’re just sobbing and sobbing and I’m basically enlightened, let’s cut our last session a little short. As a higher being, I’m glad you got to see just a glimpse of what’s waiting for you on the other side of Wakeful. In lieu of payment, I have a promo code for one month off the introductory course. Seriously, take it. And you know what? Take this gum, too. I honestly think you have gingivitis.

Oh, the promo code! I almost forgot. It’s “wakeup” underscore “dumbfuck.”