Hey team, sorry for the last-minute meeting. I know there are a ton of distractions going on right now and morale here at Glimmerly has been getting pretty low due to long hours, missed deadlines, lower Manhattan being engulfed by the sea, and Southern California being razed to cinders by wildfire and RPG skirmishes. But I wanted to make sure everybody’s totally focused on priority one: getting Glimmerly into the App Store by the first of the month.
It’s natural sometimes to lose perspective, to think that what you’re staring at all day are just some boring lines of code, or even to feel like your actions are totally ineffectual in the face of barbaric resource wars and the implosion of NATO. But take a step back and think about what you’re really doing, what you’re actually contributing to the world: You’re creating an app that doesn’t just let people share photos with their friends, it lets them add text on top of those photos in different colors. There’s a reason Glimmerly got twenty million dollars in first-round funding: we’re changing the world.
Some of you may have noticed that the perks around the office have been declining. I’m sad to say our Cultural Director has been flayed by bandits in the Mid-American wastes and left pinned to an abandoned Chevron sign as a warning to others. As a result of Skyler’s departure from the Gilmmerly team, I’m afraid we have to discontinue both the froyo machine and Burrito Tuesdays. Hopefully we won’t have to cancel the company booze cruise scheduled for August, but right now with the Chinese naval embargo of the West Coast, the United Provinces Ruling Triumvirate can’t guarantee the safety of any ships more than two hundred feet from shore.
It goes without saying that I had to cancel the third foosball table as it has plastic components and has therefore been labeled a non-essential petroleum derivative by the Triumvirate. But if we can hit our launch date, I promise you I’ll find a black market ping pong table by the end of Q4.
I’m sorry to give you guys more bad news, but we’re also gonna have to be real strict about time off until launch. If you’re sick, please try to work from home so we can hit our milestones. The only exception to this is if you contract Super Flu (Malaysian strain only). In case you don’t have internet at home because your area has been flagged as a Radicalism Zone, you can use one of the company’s 4G cards, but please don’t use it to stream Netflix or live coverage of the hurricane-tornado cluster bearing down on Washington DC.
I really hate to restrict time off and I’m fully aware that a lot of you want some time to see your loved ones before they join a caravan heading to the Rocky Mountain Safe Zone or to trade your possessions for propane. But I ask you to have some foresight and just think, if Glimmerly doesn’t ship on time, how will your loved ones share elegantly-captioned photos of their hopefully-bandit-free journey through the mountains? And just think how much propane you could barter for your stock options after a massively successful IPO and/or acquisition!
Let’s all wire in and get our app out there before one of our competitors eats our lunch, or before the Triumvirate deems us a Class B-6 organization and requisitions our remaining food.