Greetings, fellow survivor. We’re Chris-Guy Berrymartin, two formerly separate members of Coldplay now sharing one fused-together body and mouth.

Wait, wait! Please don’t run away! We can only imagine how horrifyingly grotesque we are in this semi-melted state, but if you’ll listen, we may be able to help you evade “death and all his friends” for one more day.

Get it? No? That’s ok.

We’d like to welcome you into our modest hovel at the behest of our unofficial mutant leader Gwemgwar. At least we think that’s what he said; his mouth and shoulder are sort of dissolved into one another, so it’s hard to be sure. He moans loudly and drops to his knees whenever we sing for him, and we think you’ll fall for our tunes much like he has if you’ll give us a chance. Let’s try another one.

For you I’d wait ‘til kingdom come
Until my day, my day is—

Don’t run that way! Watch out for that — oof! Straight into one of the mutant militia’s double spring bear traps. Guess that makes you a captive audience!

Look, there’s no easy way to say this: Radiohead is gone. The mutants’ putrefaction ray liquefied Thom Yorke into a blobby puddle along with his electronics gear after they triggered all those reactor meltdowns and caused more mutant outbreaks. Sorry, we don’t know all the timeline details because we were in a castle recording a new song about the fragility of whispers.

Anyhow, we’ve always thought Coldplay was the next best thing to Radiohead. And now we’re the only thing, so you might as well cozy up to haunting melodies and sharp lyricism like this:

There isn’t a fire that I wouldn’t walk through
My army of one is going to fight for you

That’s from “Army of One.” We think you’ll find comfort in stressful times like these if you’ll open your heart and —

Stop banging your head against that rock, please! You’ll risk a rush of blood to the head! Get it?

No, we said stop banging your head — you’re banging it even harder! That’s no way to cope with this contaminated wasteland and it certainly won’t bring Radiohead back. Let us ease your pain with this gem from “Strawberry Swing”:

The sky could be blue, I don’t mind
Without you it’s a waste of time

Isn’t that comforting? Now that the sky is a hazy mottled brown, we think it’s more poignant than ever.

Don’t drink that, it’s obviously toxic! You can see the fumes rising from that sludge have withered all those shrubs and vines, so — no, don’t put your whole face in it!

What’s that, Gwemgwar? Looks like he’s waving us on. Go where? He’s probably just encouraging us not to give up on you. Ok then, here’s one last shot. Savor this nugget from our song “Lost!”:

Just because I’m losing doesn’t mean I’m lost
Doesn’t mean I’ll—

Shit, you drowned in that radioactive slime when we turned the other way. But you clearly had the strength to pull yourself out.


You had the strength to pull yourself out
We offered the answer but you wallowed in doubt

Hey, Gwemgwar, check out this new melody we’re workshopping! Why are you still waving us on? Gwemgwar, wait! Where are you going? You accidentally locked the door behind you! Gwemgwar!