Tired of women online not getting you? Want a quick way to let every woman know you’re right, that they are feminazis? Use our guide and never again will you have to listen to a woman not listen to you first.

COASTAL REPUBLICAN: You believe everyone is coming for your guns and the 5th or 6th or some amendment and Jesus says guns are good.

  • PROFILE PIC: Wear Oakley sunglasses and hold at least 5 guns. Your Facebook banner must be a pixelated photo of a frayed U.S. flag.
  • TAGLINE: “Where’s your evidence? You’re all drinking the feminist Kool-Aid.”
  • IGNORE: Any evidence.
  • SIGN-OFF: “Bitch.”

MIDWEST REPUBLICAN: You are the diet version of the Coastal Republican but colder.

  • PROFILE PIC: Lean too close to the camera so viewers only see your confused face and a bit of your Sam’s Club fleece vest.
  • TAGLINE: “Ope! Sorry the lib media makes you feel that way.”
  • IGNORE: All women, particularly your lib daughter.
  • SIGN-OFF: “God bless.”

BERNIE BRO: You voted for Bernie because you wanted to buy weed even though you’re white and could already buy weed.

  • PROFILE PIC: Party at a dank festival and wear your own cannabis-themed merch paid for by your CEO father.
  • TAGLINE: “Bush and Obama were the same, man. Don’t join the sheeple just because you’re afraid of losing access to safe healthcare.”
  • IGNORE: Any example of how Obama expanded equal pay laws or how current candidates may choose to support or defund Planned Parenthood.
  • SIGN-OFF: “Chill out, dude. Voting doesn’t matter [for white men] anyway.”

I-VOTED-FOR-HILLARY-NOW-I’M-A-BIDEN BRO: You think you’re voting against your Coastal Republican father, but you’re really just like him.

  • PROFILE PIC: Sit in an armchair of a private men’s club while smoking a Cuban cigar. Make direct eye contact.
  • TAGLINE: “Biden is our best option. We can’t win with polarizing male candidates.”
  • IGNORE: Any mention of Biden’s sexual misconduct, Biden’s touchy relationship with the Hyde Amendment, and any female candidates not named Hillary.

SOCIALIST/MISOGYNIST ALLY: You took one feminist course in college and talked over the women. Your wife is your only female friend, but you claim her friends as your own.

  • PROFILE PIC: Raise your fist at a Women’s March then crop out all the women from the photo.
  • TAGLINE: “Your thoughts are controlled by the patriarchal system that abused you and makes you think this way. Put on your pussy hat, I’ll grab mine, and together we can change women’s rights by voting my way!”
  • IGNORE: Her pleas that she’s a person with her own ideas and autonomy. She’s clearly delusional.
  • SIGN-OFF: #MeToo with a five-page story of how a woman once asked you to stop calling her.

THE MARXIST: “Chortle-chortle capitalism” is tangible in your voice, even on the screen. You wear Birkenstocks, all-black clothing, and never cut your hair.

  • PROFILE PIC: Stand in the center of your labor union where the women performed all the labor and made your protest sign. Hey, hey, ho!
  • TAGLINE:: “We’re all the same under the capitalist pig. Talking about ‘Identity politics’ gets in the way of me and my movement and my penis.”
  • IGNORE: Any woman posting that a candidate protected her rights or her ability to talk to you in the first place.
  • SIGN-OFF: “Make me a sandwich [out of the Rich].”

THE LIBERTARIAN: You wear anarchist earrings bought from Hot Topic and carry a dog-eared copy of Atlas Shrugged.

  • PROFILE PIC: None. Don’t let the media gain access to your photos that you’re afraid no one will like.
  • TAGLINE: “Let’s destroy the government before it benefits anyone other than me!”
  • IGNORE: Any discussion of The Civil Rights Act, Title IX, or any rulings protecting women. Free speech is more important than her safety. Stifle her voice in any copy room, town meeting, or public space by arguing with Socialist/Misogynist Ally man for seven hours until the woman leaves the room, silent and ashamed.
  • SIGN-OFF: “I can’t provide research because the system is against me. All research is a lie against me.”

FOR THE UNDECIDED MANSPLAINER: You hate women but do not know why — mommy?

  • “LISTEN [political party] FRIENDS, THE ONLY WAY IS [mine].”
  • Use a meme to mansplain for you.
  • Do not read any research, evidence, or experience written by any woman posting. Like Gaston of Beauty and the Beast, how are you supposed to read a book without any pictures?
  • If she nevertheless persists on responding, paste the following: “I see your point [do not actually acknowledge this point in any concrete way], but [insert a story about your suburban childhood and a Wikipedia page that you didn’t read].
  • If she nevertheless persists again, write: “Where’s your evidence?” You’re a man. Let her know it’s up to everyone else to provide you with information when you post about politics you’ve never read or only read when it’s about men.
  • When it looks like she may win the argument, paste any of the following in any order:
    “What about men’s rights?”
    “Not all men!”
    “I can’t win!”