Tight straps, a little stretch, that see-thru center panel: there’s no reason SCUBA masks shouldn’t be considered lingerie. New this Valentine’s Day, the Deep Diver—a haute couture, fully functional marine rubber sex masque—both supports the eye sockets and is pressure-proof to 300 meters. The Deep Diver is sexy and it’s smart: statistics show that hundreds of American women have been blinded by stray sexual fluids, making mid-coital eye protection crucial for her health. And the purchase of deluxe matching set—a SCUBA mask complete with velvet-wrapped snorkel—could save a partner from many a morning Dutch oven.
Maybe your sweetheart’s a bit of an exhibitionist. And maybe you like that about her, even though she made you pay the citation the last time she mistook a playful wink for an invitation to drop trou in a Taco Bell. This is our solution for women who like to show off their drawers in public: PantyPants look exactly like pants, with the same cut, feel and dimensions as your standard straight-leg jean. Now she can feel exposed without actually being exposed without having to wear jeggings, bc ew. Buy three pairs in increasing sizes and help your partner achieve a highly erotic look fashion bloggers have already taken to calling Panties All the Way Down.
A question: what’s the difference between a brassiere and a brasserie? God only knows. A better question: does there have to be one? Here the French tongue—an unpronounceable and confusing language nonetheless considered the world’s most erotic—suggests its own succulent innovation in lingerie tech. Set off your breasts in eight tender breasts of quail stapled to straps of lightly cured pork belly, with extra pockets for quail eggs and insertable additional padded inserts made of aspic decocted from a mixture of quail breast and beef tartare. Serve your Brassierie au jus, with a good Chablis (“oh zhoo; sha-blee”). Leftovers should be refrigerated immediately.
Women love cats. America’s cities and shelters are crowded with strays. The Miss Kitty Bra takes advantage of the former fact to solve the latter problem, insomuch as it’s made of humanely murdered taxidermy street cats. This Valentine’s Day, feel good that your purchase kills two birds—or two sweet but unwanted and likely noxious and/or mangy gutter kittens—with one stone. Dry clean only.
The Other Miss Kitty. This adjustable beauty is outfitted with six small lace cups the size of pencil erasers. Because sometimes men love cats, too.
Illustrations by Jason Polan