Quaint New England charm awaits you in this matriarchal Utopia filled with fearless, inquisitive women who know a crook when they see one and won’t rest until they’ve cracked the case. And we’re bike friendly! In the UK? Come visit our sister resort, Maryberry-on-Thames, a Farage-free zone where every screen plays an endless loop of The Great British Baking Show (the good episodes, before Mary, Mel and Sue left), the Baileys flows and there are no soggy bottoms, ever.
Imagine floating through a carefree world where every Trump-induced fear and worry melts away in a buttery fog of well-being. At Xanaxdu, you’ll never lose access to your anti-anxiety meds, even when the GOP takes away your healthcare. Why? Because we’ve been hoarding pills for years, and we’re happy to share! You’ll find them in bowls throughout the reception area, gumball machines (only a penny!) outside the General Store, and on your pillow at nightly turndown service. Is this a dream? Only the Xanax knows for sure!
Remember those weeks after the election, when you were so depressed and traumatized that all you could do was draw the curtains and binge-watch Seinfeld reruns, wishing that you could climb inside Jerry’s world and hang around the coffee shop talking about nothing, instead of lying in the dark worrying about fascism? Vandelay Bay is just like that — but with an infinity pool. Seinfeld cosplay is encouraged in our exclusive resort where all the familiar sets — Jerry’s apartment, the coffee shop, Del Boca Vista (Phase Two) — are recreated for your full immersion into a time when slap-bass was cool and Trump was just that short-fingered vulgarian from SPY Magazine. (For your serenity, we have removed the animatronic Soup Nazi, which some guests have found triggering.)
Isla de los Gatos
On the “Island of the Cats,” time is measured by the movement of a patch of warm sunlight across the carpet and the gentle meowing that signals mealtime. Here in this tranquil retreat, you will be assigned a cat, or, actually, several. You will feed them, amuse them, be snubbed by them, clean their litter boxes, wake to the sound of frantic clawing and screeching outside your bedroom door at 4 AM. And this regimen will continue, the same way, every day, until your mind is emptied of all worrisome political thoughts and your own selfish needs become secondary to your duties as mayordomo para los gatos. Only then will you begin to miss your old daily routine of screaming at CNN and calling members of Congress. And so, you will make your way down the dappled road that leads to the azure sea, to await the catamaran that will take you back to the mainland and to realidad. That is, if the cats allow you to leave.
This is just a bar.
The Overlook Hotel
High in the Rockies, this secluded aerie offers some of the best snowshoeing and snowmobiling around. Kids will love our fun topiaries and long corridors perfect for exploring on vintage Big Wheels. At The Overlook, TV reception is spotty at best (and forget about the Wi-Fi), so your stay will be blissfully free of news about Trump rallies or ICE raids on preschools. It’s as if the outside world doesn’t exist! (Note: For your safety, we advise that you avoid talking politics with our caretaker. He’s been a little on edge lately and we’re pretty sure he voted for Trump.)
Sweet Home, All Obama
Aloha nui loa! At our Hawaiian paradise, you’ll be transported back in time to when we had a President who could formulate complete thoughts about complex topics and wasn’t under investigation for colluding with a foreign despot to overthrow the sovereignty of the United States. To a time when you never heard the words “emoluments” or “cuck" or “Mike Pence.” Such happy days! At our beautiful rainbow-colored island hideaway, you’ll eat organic vegetables planted by Michelle Obama herself, and attend lively same-sex wedding luaus every night. Should you suffer a jellyfish sting or massive stroke during your stay, don’t worry — we’ve got you covered with our affordable SHAObamacare! Every day is another day in paradise at Sweet Home, All Obama. The Hamilton cast album wafts through the air — which is warm, but not freakishly so for this time of year. The palm trees rustle and it sounds like they’re whispering, “Hope.” The birds trill the poems of Maya Angelou. You will be calm and optimistic here, as you float on your back on the gentle green sea and vow to never again take this feeling of security for granted. When your stay comes to an end, you’ll leave for home with a complimentary gift bag that includes a 90-day supply of Xanax. You’re going to need it.