We Republicans listen to our constituents, even when we don’t see eye to eye. Many Americans say they are worn out from surfing waves of COVID like Sally Field in the opening credits of Gidget, and they are furious that people who are old enough to understand a Gidget reference have decided that catastrophic climate change is a small price to pay to avoid ever having to utter the words “renewable energy.”
We know that most Americans are appalled at the elimination of abortion rights, the banning of books, and the general existence of Ted Cruz. We know many people worry that if Donald Trump isn’t held accountable for his crimes, he will continue to incite violence, undermine our electoral system, and dance in public to “YMCA.”
To all the Americans who share these concerns, we hear you, we see you, and we have a message for you: Suck it. Rest assured, even if Trump goes to prison, we will remain committed to completely fucking shit up.
Some folks claim that there is not much difference between the two major parties. They say that we are both servants of capitalism, beholden to big donors, and that we go camping naked on a secret island where we roast wild boar, practice sorcery, and engage in insider trading. But that’s not true. We don’t camp—we have fully furnished cabins.
Naked Island week aside, Republicans and Democrats are very different. For example, we Republicans are highly skilled and efficient at doing terrible things, while Democrats are unskilled and inefficient at stopping us from doing terrible things.
But do you know what we really excel at? Gerrymandering districts to consolidate political power. So even without Trump, we can still get politicians elected that will leave the majority of Americans angry and texting their friends messages like, “Jesus fucking Christ,” “Nooooooooooooo!” or “Why isn’t there an emoji that represents the pain I feel watching the rise of fascism stomp out the last smoldering embers of our quasi-democracy?”
We hear that the mood in the country is not optimistic. In a recent experiment, a group of Americans was told to expect their neighborhood to be ravaged by tornadoes stuffed with fireballs by the end of the month, and most responded, “That tracks.” Democratic voters suggested that we need a sensible plan based on scientific evidence to stop this terrifying atmospheric threat. In contrast, hardcore Republican voters suggested that a tornado’s right to shoot fireballs is protected by the Second Amendment.
So yes, the nation is divided. But what can be done to unite us? Another coup attempt? A civil war? Nominating Trump in 2024? We’re weighing all our options, but mostly we just keep looking up to the Big Guy and praying for his guidance even though there is a chance that he is going to prison because he has committed so many, many crimes.
Still, there are some people within our party who suggest we quit aligning ourselves with a notorious racist/misogynist/traitor/grifter who couldn’t even successfully carry out a coup. Listen folks: we just can’t seem to quit that man. It might have something to do with the wish we made on that monkey’s paw on Naked Island back in 2015.
And should Trump go to prison or flee to Russia to escape prosecution, have no fear. We’ll just pivot to DeSantis or Abbott or Kid Rock, or whichever monster riles up our base the most. Whoever it is, we’ll be sure to have a candidate hellbent on fucking shit up. It’s the Republican way.