Hello, councilors. My name is Dave or something. I’m here on behalf of many well-groomed libertarians to speak with you about our new app, SPRUNK.

SPRUNK streamlines parking by making everyone use an app that doesn’t work.

SPRUNK will work with Apple Pay, but not really.

SPRUNK—ope, I see a hand. Councilor Stevens?

Well, a $5 million pilot contract is a very kind offer. But we’re thinking more like $100 million. Let me explain why.

At first, SPRUNK’s UI will be simple and intuitive. Then, after three months, I will make it baffling. My nephew’s company will head the redesign. It will cost the city an amount that defies logic.

There will be a lot of QR codes involved.

Oh—and we haven’t started building it yet, so it doesn’t have to be parking. Maybe SPRUNK lets users pay to retract spikes in library books, or access a hyperloop for dogs. We’ll talk.

For every SPRUNK, I will plant one tree on the moon.

The @SPRUNKHELP Twitter account will respond to the constant stream of complaints with relatable meme-speak. For instance:

“Oh noes! Looks like our interweb gremlins took a fat L on this one! DM us your SPRUNK ZONE and we’ll fix this epic fail like a boss.”

SPRUNK ZONES don’t exist, but this should buy us the time we need to pivot to NFTs.

Please, it’s hard to speak over the applause. I—sorry, Councilor Stevens, what was that?

Yes, I think we can make $200 million work.