Must have a car.

Must have own amp.

Must have long hair (past the shoulders).

No girlfriends.

Must not borrow albums and not give them back.

Must not be a total douchebag.

Must not totally screw up the beginning of “Hot for Teacher.”

Must not say things about my mom which may appear complimentary regarding how good she looks for her age, but, come on, she’s my mom.

Must not be Vinnie DiSanto.