1. Delete whatever didn’t get enough likes.
2. Meditate, but stop whenever you can’t be arsed to concentrate further.
3. Make a last minute cancellation for the social plans you initiated.
4. Ativan, Xanax, Lexapro, Ritalin, Percocet.
5. Take more selfies.
6. On bad hair days, photograph your food.
7. Buy from ethical companies unless you can’t find what you want, in which case, buy from Amazon.
8. Bingewatch a program you’ve already watched.
9. Sign an online petition without reading it.
10. Throw your material possessions away like it’s a cardinal virtue.
11. Drink a $15 bottle of green juice from a health food store because it tastes like sludge and therefore must be detoxifying.
12. When detox fails, Botox.
13. Watch videos of cute and silly animals at work to relieve stress. If you’d rather watch porn, use your goddam phone.
14. Impulse buy something you can’t afford on credit, keep the receipt, then forget to return it.
15. Hate scroll down the Facebook feed of an acquaintance who’s more successful than you.
16. Avoid catching feelings for anyone or anything.
17. Join an online mob piling on someone who is a complete stranger and who you’ve never heard of.
18. Download another sharing economy app because you have no friends to help you out and you can’t stand your whole family.
19. Spend hours becoming radicalized online by hateful ideologies because you don’t know how else to cope with modern nihilism and for the first time someone is validating your anxieties and giving your directionless life a little structure and community.
20. Don’t read the comments. Never read the comments.