First off, I’d like to thank the New York Times for giving me an opportunity to write an op-ed about the very industry from which I earn my ill-gotten salary. Not many publications are willing to give precious page space to ruthless intergalactic bounty hunters. I mean, I’ve done some really bad things. I’ve disintegrated a lot of innocent people and slimy space monsters. Here I am, though, with an opportunity to promote my trigger-happy mercenary business.
In 33 BBY, when Count Dooku needed to recruit a bodyguard on the planet Geonosis, he did not reach out to the Stormtrooper Corps. Dooku employed the services of renowned Mandalorian bounty hunter and my clone-father, Jango Fett. People liked to call Jango an “assassin,” or a “mercenary,” or a “man who kills for money.” These terms are unfair and disparaging. He was simply a patriotic contractor, whose contract required him to mercilessly kill six Jedi. He was as brave and patriotic as any Stormtrooper. Sure, he didn’t follow the rules of engagement and constantly endangered civilians. That did not make him any less of a hero.
As the bigwigs in the Galactic Empire decide what to do with the Rebel Alliance, they should keep the Clan Fett and other bounty hunters in mind. These types of murderous space criminals could be just the solution the Galactic Empire needs.
You’d have to be a real dummy to not understand why this makes perfect sense. Tracking down the Rebel Alliance and all of its revolutionary factions and clandestine cell systems will be an extremely expensive endeavor. Does the Galactic Emperor want to add to the already-steep military budget and Stormtrooper body count spent on this conflict? Shouldn’t the Emperor focus his budget on building the big, beautiful new Death Star he keeps mentioning at his rallies?
Fortunately, it is not too late to alter the course.
I would like to strongly present an argument for a new approach to the Galactic Civil War. It is time for our government to employ ruthless, money-hungry cosmic mercenaries to fight its battles. This method has worked before. When Darth Vader needed someone to capture the treacherous crew aboard the Millennium Falcon, he did not reach out to the Imperial Army. The Dark Lord instead contracted me, a simple civilian contractor who happens to be a dangerous, bloodthirsty killer.
As soon as Lord Vader switched his primary strategy back to conventional Stormtrooper-based warfare, the success of the Empire’s fight against the Rebels was reversed. Despite having superior weapons and numbers, the Stormtroopers lost a major battle to a group of adorable Ewoks. Conventional Stormtrooper-based war strategies clearly do not work.
My proposal is for the Empire to hire my band of celestial war criminals. This would allow the Stormtroopers to return home to their families. Meanwhile, I, and my company of bounty hunters would defeat the Rebel Alliance. We would hunt them down one by one and probably commit a bunch of space war crimes in the process. The Galactic Empire would never have to answer for these crimes because my co-mercenaries and I would technically just be a bunch of independent contractors. Thank you again to the New York Times for letting me advertise my openly criminal enterprise in the pages of your prestigious newspaper.
I implore the Galactic Emperor to consider this new way forward. It would save Imperial taxpayers a significant chunk of Republic Credits per year. It would also make me and other war profiteers like myself super rich. And, yes, it would also hopefully end this dreadful Galactic Civil War as my mercenaries and I commit a bunch of space war crimes with total impunity.
It’s not too late to outsource this war to a mercenary organization that has zero accountability.
Boba Fett, the genetic clone of Jango Fett, is an infamous warrior and bounty hunter. He operates an independent security contractor that provides bounty hunting services across the galaxy.