So, this isn’t going to be easy for me to say… but, from now on, I’m considering your inability to have an orgasm a pre-existing condition that I’m no longer going to treat. Going forward, I will not be expected to give you an orgasm.
Please, let me explain.
So you know how I’m, like, really into policy now — like public policy? So I’ve been looking into the American Healthcare Act — do NOT call it “Trumpcare” — and as you know they don’t cover pre-existing conditions. And economically speaking, it checks out. Think about the risk profile that a company is tryi—
Are you going to let me talk? I’m coming at this from a place of logic. Wouldn’t hurt you to try that every once in whi—
OK, OK, I’m sorry. That came across as dickish. Look. What I’m trying to say is that I shouldn’t be held responsible for something I can’t control. I don’t have the bandwidth anymore to search for your clitoris when it might not even exist. You entered this sexual relationship with a pre-existing difficulty orgasming, so it’s not my problem. It’s just too expensive and risky for me to go rooting around down there for seconds, even minutes, trying to find it. It’s unfair to other women I’m sleeping with who have an easy time orgasming; I can’t divert all my resources away from them just to focus on your fraught vagina. In fact, in the time it takes me to finger you and then give up when I realize it’s not working, I could have given six orgasms. Maybe, I don’t know, these are all just rough estimates. Maybe four? OK, At least one.
I know you’re going to say that it’s not a pre-existing condition because it didn’t exist before you met me. Yes, I was paying attention when you said you “used to” have orgasms during sex when you were with someone who was “trying.” But that’s not what pre-existing means. Look, I’m not here to play semantics with you. Kind of like with Trumpca— damnit, I mean the American Health Care Act, pre-existing just means something I don’t want to deal with anymore. You follow me?
If you’re wondering how you can be eligible in the future, I’ll explain how the plan works. Going forward I will evaluate each woman’s eligibility to receive an orgasm during the first time we have intercourse. If she has an orgasm within eight (8) pumps, I’ll consider her eligible and continue to administer orgasms as needed, and if she doesn’t, I’ll stop trying. Forever. No more finger stuff. And definitely no more tongue.
Now, I know you think you should be grandfathered in with your current plan. I’m sorry, I just can’t do that. I can’t make exceptions and continue trying to give orgasms to women who haven’t been having them. I’m not a monster though — I want to be clear that you will still be guaranteed access to basic dick, but I can’t cover the orgasm part of the sexual experience. You are definitely more than welcome to continue going down on me; I would hate to take that away from you.
This policy is effective today and also four months ago. Other pre-existing conditions that I’m not dealing with anymore include: frizzy hair, overbearing mothers, and opinions.