Faked insomnia for Ambien prescription

Displayed distasteful side boob

Brandished umbrella as a weapon

Removed the tags from mattress

Answered phone during a movie

Pulled fire alarm at Momofuku to get out of a date

Stole the communion wine in a pinch

Emissions test evasion (2008-2017)

Charged for water at a public drinking fountain

Simulated own death to get out of a turkey trot

Opened Christmas presents three days early

Jumped into retention pond due to election results

Had a resting bitch face

Slept with underage hipster due to age-obscuring facial hair

Wore leggings as pants (486 counts)

Staged own kidnapping to get out of a date

Broke and entered to check public closets for passageways to Narnia

Incorrect identification of gold/white dress

Posed as twin for extra samples at Costco

Demanded cold hard cash for unsolicited advice

Was offensively tall

Faked a British accent at the DMV

Propositioned George Clooney

Registered a 3.1 blood-caffeine level during routine breathalyzer

Had brown eyes this entire time

Public profanity around an innocent child (89 counts)

Flashed a double peace sign for a photo

Attacked the GrubHub guy with a banana after forgetting fortune cookies

Started a trash can fire in Central Park to get out of a date

Started a food fight in Eataly

Possession of a Juicy Couture sweatsuit (ca. 2001)

Impersonated Nicolas Cage

Administered LSD to a dog to “see what would happen”

Wore fake glasses to appear smarter

Stole $0.75 from a public fountain for Mike and Ike vending

Exceeded legal selfie limit (20,000)

Faked paraplegia for handicapped parking sticker

Played “The Final Countdown” eighteen times straight on diner jukebox

Indiscriminately swiped left on every Bumble profile

Thought Netflix and Chill meant watching Netflix while chilling

Loitered suspiciously close to Bradley Cooper’s penthouse

Bank robbery (Monopoly)

Made a bomb threat at the Met to get out of a date