Esteemed colleagues, musicology scholars, delegates from the CDC and C+C Music Factory, thank you for joining me today. As you are aware, I, Doctor Gloria María Milagrosa Fajardo García—known to the nonacademic world by the stage name Gloria Estefan—have devoted my life to the scientific study of rhythm.
Thirty-five years ago, through my groundbreaking research, I discovered a sound that would become the world’s most potent source of clean energy: Latin fusion.
However, the engine embedded within that energy, pure rhythm in its rawest state, proved to be highly volatile. It required constant conga beats and up-tempo island brass to keep it safely contained. This is why I established Miami Sound Machine: a collective of the top dance-pop analysts from around the globe… but mainly southeast Florida.
Through various studies and LPs, the Miami Sound Machine and I worked tirelessly to restrain the rhythm and its various mutations. But after three decades I fear we’ve met our match. The advanced codon-optimization technique we established in 1985 (“O eh, o eh, O eh, oh aah; O eh, o eh O eh, oh aah”) does little to counter this new antigenic variation.
As a result, the rhythm has evolved into what we in the musical sciences call an “extinction-level groove.”
Make no mistake, I come to you today not to offer advanced intonation or health guidelines on how to protect yourself from this new strain of rhythm. This is not a warning. Because the rhythm is already here.
I’ve prepared this grave yet funky-fresh presentation to further explain the serious nature of the situation. It pains me to say this, but the rhythm is gonna get you.
Next electric slide.
As you can see from figures 1, 2, 3, 4, the rhythm shuts down a host’s respiratory system 5, 6, 7 times. Eight, 9, 10, 11—it doesn’t matter how old the subject is. Social distancing and masking do nothing to resist it. Again, it bears repeating: the rhythm is gonna get you. Tonight. But probably during the other sixteen hours of the day as well.
Slide to the left.
Like any viral phenomenon, the rhythm has no consideration for the structural integrity of the space it occupies. Raising the roof, dancing on the ceiling—I’ve attempted all manner of physical transfiguration. The rhythm lays waste regardless. You can fight it every day. But no matter what you say. You know it. The rhythm is gonna get you.
Slide to the right.
The most you can do is prepare for when the rhythm enters your body. Most importantly, do not fight it. Let the rhythm take control. Let the rhythm move you. Sweat. SWEEAAAATTT is the first and last symptom.
What could modern musicology have done to stop this? Well, as you’ll recall, we made every attempt to protect humanity by setting up the Oritario Natural Etudes and Historically Interval Themes initiative. These ONE HITs were made possible by the research of Louis Bega, Ph.D., Doctor Ian “Silento” Greenbaum, and the Rhodes Scholar/ chronobiologist known only as “Cupid.”
These men produced highly advanced singles to harness the rhythm and keep humanity safe. And as of today, all are dead. Slain by the new variant.
This deadly rhythm cannot be subdued or classified through traditional dance steps. The Nae Nae is ineffective. Jumping up and down, then moving all around, only agitates it further. And steps to the left and/or right only localize the rhythm into a more concentrated permutation.
Everybody clap your hands.
Because this is not the end. Humanity will prevail. We will turn the beat around. The rhythm may carry all the action, but we can turn it upside down.
Do we have all the tools needed to defeat the rhythm at this measure? No. But what we do know is that rhythm is a dancer. It’s a soul’s companion. You can feel it in the air. This is why I’d like to welcome to the podium the greatest weapon humankind has against rhythm: the U.S. Government’s Anti-Rhythm Task Force, headed by Tim McGraw, Garth Brooks, and Carrie Underwood.