Please be advised that Fox News’s regularly scheduled programming will be preempted until further notice, as there simply isn’t any news to report on. As you may have noticed based on our coverage, practically every day since Donald Trump took office has been a slow news day in which absolutely nothing newsworthy has been going on. As a result, we’ve decided to forgo our traditional news coverage, since there simply isn’t anything to report. Instead, please enjoy this footage of tropical fish.
As a news organization, we don’t make the decision to broadcast tropical fish instead of the news lightly. In fact, this editorial call was made after months of thoughtful deliberation. Since January we have been working diligently every day to try to scrape together something, anything, to report on.
But there’s just absolutely nothing happening. Now that Obama’s out of office we don’t have his many scandals to report on anymore. Remember when he wore a tan suit? Ugh, the worst. Now that was a time to be a journalist! But now what are we supposed to do? There are only so many ways to tell America that things are going great.
So as you may have noticed we’ve been stretching lately to fill our airtime. Many of our viewers have enjoyed our recent stories on people being mean to American flags, Tucker Carlson’s musings on gypsies, or the Fox & Friends team spending the full three-hour show trying to say the alphabet backwards.
It was going well at first, but after Brian Kilmeade passed out trying to see how many grapes he could fit in his mouth, we knew we had to make a change. Plus, all this free time gave our anchors too much time to sexually harass women. Which is totally unacceptable, because if our female reporters quit, all of our clear anchor desks will go to waste.
So the programming change just made the most sense. And since the majority of our ratings come from dentist office waiting rooms, airing footage of tropical fish seemed like it would be the most seamless transition for our viewers.
Now, some other networks and newspapers and White House leakers would make it seem like there actually is news to cover, but the truth is that actually there isn’t. They keep going on and on about the White House being in turmoil, and a grand jury, and the Will & Grace revival being picked up for a second season, but in all honesty they’re full of baloney. The mainstream media likes to find little un-noteworthy details and heighten it with incorrect context to scare their viewers, and we at Fox News will never and have never stood for that kind of behavior.
But if you do find yourself craving your ol’ reliable Fox News, simply turn on another network, mute the anchors when they talk, and replace whatever they say with “Good point, Kellyanne.”
Now just because Donald Trump is president and everything is going super smoothly, doesn’t mean there’s no news at all. There just isn’t enough to fill a 24/7 cable network. So, you can expect one hour of programming every Sunday, the day of our Lord (White Jesus), where we fill you in on how great things are going.
The hour will begin with Greg Gutfeld’s rendition of “I’m Proud to Be an American,” followed by fan favorite segments like “Benghazi,” “Children in MAGA hats,” and “What about the troops?” Then, unless we find any new Reddit conspiracy threads, we’ll likely shift to unlikely animal friendships. Sure, Trump’s collusion with Russia sounds important, but have you seen this horse and dog? They’re friends!
So for the foreseeable future, or until there are any new Whitewater developments, enjoy these lovely tropical fish, because like we said, there’s nothing to see here.