What it’s like to be unaware of your surroundings

Once I saw a woman apologize profusely to a table she bumped into before laughing (almost maniacally) when she saw that it was, in fact, just a table. I no longer run outside with headphones because once you’ve been followed home it’s hard to really let yourself get into the new Ariana Grande album. Meanwhile, I’ve watched a dude take up 1.5 seats on public transit (while a pregnant lady stands a mere few feet away), for what I can only assume is to let his balls breathe? Is that why? Can someone please explain this?

How to send an email without exclamation points

If I don’t include at least five exclamation points in an email, I’m convinced my coworkers will think I’m on the verge of a murder spree. What do men do with all the extra time spent not rereading their emails wondering if it they sound too unlikeable to be president?

How to receive a compliment

Deflecting compliments is one of the fundamental tenets of womanhood and I would be interested in learning how to accept one. See exhibit A: “Oh really, you like these shoes? I got them for really cheap at Forever 21… I’m pretty sure a child in a Guatemalan sweatshop made them. I’m honestly such a terrible person. That was sooo nice of you to say that to me though!!! Thank you!!”

If being president is cool

Trump makes the presidency seem like a lot of late nights spent crafting extremely petty tweets, in an attempt to keep international tensions simmering, which sounds like something I’ve already mastered with my friend group anyway. Yes, that subtweet was about how much I hate your boyfriend, Karen, and yes, you are short and fat, Kim Jong-un!

What they do with the extra 20 cents

Do they spend it on body-shaping products to cover up parts of their bodies that they’ve been convinced were abnormalities, but are actually just signs of being a living, breathing human who eats on occasion? I’m assuming not, although I’m not sure and that’s why it’d be helpful if they explained it.

How to go through an entire workday without taking immediate
responsibility for something that went wrong, regardless of if you
had anything to do with it

“My bad team, I should’ve realized that this natural disaster totally outside of my control would delay the project! I’m sorry I’m such an idiot sometimes!!!”

Why they think wearing cargo shorts on a date is okay

I’m wearing full-body Spanx and my feet are bleeding in these pointed-toe heels, but those cargo shorts are totally acceptable! I’m not at all concerned by your lack of effort!! Really, Chad, it’s no problem and this is probably not at all indicative of the effort you put into other aspects of our relationship, like the fact that I haven’t orgasmed in three months!!

What they do with the extra time spent not stress-walking
around Walgreens trying to find the right shade of foundation
for their skin tone

And then realizing, once they try it on at home, that they actually bought the wrong shade, and then spending the rest of the day wondering if they can return it, but they probably can’t return it, because it’s already opened, and they’re pretty sure Walgreens doesn’t have a good return policy. Damn it, Walgreens! How am I supposed to go outside without contouring my face to the point where my driver’s license photo is no longer a valid form of identification and I now suffer from body dysmorphia!?

Why they like explaining things so much

I’d honestly really like to know what it would be like to pop out of the womb assuming you’re the subject matter expert on literally every single topic. Vaginal pain? Getting out of a toxic lesbian relationship?! I’m fascinated by your ability to speak so candidly on these topics and I would really, genuinely, like to know how you do it!