It’s time for change in Washington.

The unhinged white guy currently occupying the Oval Office is a disturbing aberration from this country’s enduring legacy of temperamental white guys.

That’s why I am proud to officially announce my candidacy for President of the United States. And to kick off my campaign, I am going to do everything in my power to separate myself from the rest of the field. But first, I’ll need to double check and make sure I can remember which white guy I am.

You see? I’m just like you, in that you have no idea who I am and will probably never commit it to memory.

Let’s narrow it down: I am below the average American weight, and above the average American height (this makes me an everyman). I have photogenic children. I am between 55 and 80 years old. My hair exists in the ephemeral realm between brown and gray. I own hundreds of blue ties. And boy oh boy, am I a heterosexual!

(To clarify, that last sentence is not meant to be a question. I am a heterosexual. You can read more about it in my conveniently timed op-ed in The Hill titled, “I Am a Heterosexual.”)

Am I the likable, strong-willed, presidential one? The charming, resolute, authority figure guy? Affable yet serious, relatable yet resilient? Surely not all of us have been described this way!

Maybe I’m the progressive one? Y’know, the one that’s a “true progressive.” I have a lot of respect for those women who are talking about running, but unfortunately they are establishment shrills — uh, I mean shills. Yes, they have the exact same platform as me, but doesn’t it feel more “establishment” when they say it?

Perhaps I’m the populist. Populist, of course, being defined as “party-line policies, but said convincingly from a tractor.”

Oh! I know! I’m the rising star! I’m handsome (by government standards) and tweet funny memes (by policy wonk standards). You may not know anything about what I believe in, but I’ll show you how down-to-Earth I am by appearing in comedy sketches written by people who adore me!

Ed Murphy? Chris Merkley? Jeff Markey? Am I one of those?

Could I be the elusive anti-Trump? After two years of concerted, unbending opposition to the President and all that he represents, our imperative is clear: we need a stalwart leader who vaguely imitates Trump’s vibe. In 2016, voters demanded a candidate unlike any that had ever been elected before. As we approach 2020, let’s demonstrate that we heard them loud and clear: by delivering them a candidate who emulates the one they elected in 2016.

Am I the climate guy? Wasn’t there some climate guy that just announced?

Whichever white guy I am, I’m definitely an “outspoken advocate for women and people of color.” Marginalized communities in this country have been clamoring for decades to get a voice in Washington. And now they will: my voice! Sure, they could speak for themselves, but I’ve found that I’m usually the loudest voice in the room anyway.

Plus, I have plenty of women and people of color involved in my campaign. You can find them giving testimonials in my TV ads, and cheering behind me in the most visible section of my rallies. We also offer a prestigious unpaid field organizer program — and our hires represent everyone from the wealthy children of white donors to the wealthy children of donors of color.

I may not know which white guy I am. But maybe that’s for the best. After all, there’s no better way to extract ego from public service than by looking in the mirror and genuinely not being able to discern who you are without some kind of hint.

So, in 2020, when you think of the White House, think “White Whom?”

In the time it has taken you to read this, I have already dropped out and endorsed the white guy most likely to give me a cabinet position. I don’t know his name either.