Only polling volunteers may view these instructions. The US Senate commissioned this voting booth design specifically for the 2020 Presidential Election in a closed-door session, which Democratic officials were barred from attending.
Step 1: Double-sided packaging tape covers the shipping box for your convenience. Use a sharp object like a key or, if available, a machete. DO NOT struggle if trapped in tape. Call your local elections office for assistance and be cautious of any opportunistic spiders in the area.
Step 2: With the box open, identify your parts. You should have:
- four legs
- one (1) writing surface
- seventy-eight (78) small screws
- bag of miscellany (10 lbs.)
Step 3: Assemble your screwdriver by screwing the metal bit onto the plastic handle with four small screws. Feel free to give up and just leave the polling place closed this year if this seems frustrating.
Step 4: To help you tell them apart, each leg is a different size. Place each leg under a running faucet for several weeks to erode the metal down to the correct size. Observe how sustained pressure wears down even the strongest of things when given enough time (say four or maybe even eight years).
Step 5: Connect each leg to the plastic writing surface. You’ll notice that the writing surface is covered in small, pencil-point-sized holes. Fill each hole in with Voter’s Epoxy. If you do not have epoxy, then order some online. Note the USPS is under orders to hold any shipments with Voter’s Epoxy indefinitely.
Step 6: File down each individual ballot to 4"-by-3" using the razor blade included in the package. Reflect on the institutions you trust and how much effort they take. Wouldn’t things be easier if we just got rid of some of them?
Step 7: Carefully fill the voting pens with the ink congealed at the bottom of the box. Get the ink nice and viscous by taking your shoes off and sloshing it around with your bare feet. If you’d rather not cover your bare skin with a potential chemical irritant, then leave the pen empty. We’re fine with a bunch of blank ballots, just so long as there’s enough of an inconvenience to cast doubt on the system’s legitimacy.
Step 8: Hope you didn’t throw out the paper shavings from Step 6. Weave the voter’s privacy curtain out of the mismatched shavings. Borrow a loom from a friend if this seems too difficult.
Step 9: Use a basic ROT3 Caesar cipher to decode the all-important Step 10.
Step 10: Ehdu brxu zhljkw grzq rq wkh yrwlqj errwk, frqqhfwlqj wkh mrlqwv. Idloxuh wr frqqhfw wkh mrlqwv pdb uhvxow lq idwdo pdoixqfwlrqv wr yrwhuv.
Step 11: Chisel the solid cube of cardboard into a functioning ballot box. Catch the light of an autumn sunrise with the seer’s stone (included) and read the proper box dimensions from the projection.
Step 12: If these directions prove too difficult, then just take the form letter included and send it back. This pre-stamped letter states, “I give up and my district loves Trump already, so why bother voting this time around.”