Hey, bud. You may have noticed that I have a bad cold. Yep, I get them all the time. I don’t believe in over-the-counter medicine so I’m going to be making this loud, gross snuffling noise all day long for about a week. I also smoke, so I’ll be coughing a lot—really productive coughs, too. Usually the cough lasts for a couple of weeks, but no worries, it’s cool, man, I’ll be fine.

I should have probably taken a sick day, but I hate to waste a sick day when I feel this rotten. I mean, if you’re going to be loudly sniffling, hawking, and swallowing all day long, you might as well be at work, right?

You may have noticed how close I like to stand to you. In fact, you can probably feel my body heat right now. That’s from my low-grade fever I have thanks to this viral infection. Also, I can’t help but pick up everything on your desk with my germy hands. Is this a stapler? I’ve never seen a stapler apparently, so I need to pick it up and look at it. I will also come over to your desk and steal a pen instead of going to the supply closet like everyone else, so I hope you’re not attached to any of those Bics.

Oh, and yes that is a giant wart on my finger. Even though I’m a 33-year-old man with health insurance, I refuse to go to the doctor to get it removed. So I’ll be carelessly rubbing it on all of your stuff when I’m riffling through your desk, as is my wont.

Anyway, when you’re in a meeting or something, I will sit in your chair and riffle through everything on your desk with my gross hands, while having a conversation with the other loud, annoying guy in the office who I’m now best friends with. Later in the day, at the very moment you think that I have stopped being insufferable, you will notice a whistling noise coming from me. That would be my nose. When I’m not sniffing and hawking up stuff, I have a unique ability that allows me to breathe heavily through my mouth and nose at the same time, which causes my nose to produce a whistle, even though it seems like it would be impossible.

I’m like that.

People often say about me, "You wouldn’t think he could get more annoying, and yet he does.” The whistling thing happens all the time too, not just during the two weeks out of every month that I have a cold.

So, is there anything else you want to know about me? I prefer to spray it rather than say it, but am guessing you already figured that out.

OK, well I’m just going to get to watching these YouTube videos everyone else in the office saw three weeks ago. I won’t be using my headphones, so you’ll get to listen to them too. I’ll be sure to laugh out loud to each one while repeating whatever the last thing the person on screen said.

Looking forward to working with you!