Holy Christ, it’s snowing! Fuck, exactly what we never anticipated—not in this gray and frozen month. Martians or race riots, sure, but look outside! That’s not what we’re dealing with here!

How the hell did life spring this shit on us? Snap out of it, there’s no time to think about that.

Drive! Like a fucking maniac! To the grocery store! Think. THINK GODDAMMIT!

Soup—we’ll need it when this snow shit destroys the grid and the farms fail.

Toilet paper! If it’s one thing we’ll be doing during this godforsaken unforeseen snowing, it’s using the toilet. Are you kidding, we’ll be using it like fucking mad! Have at it, because, holy christ, it’s snowing outside!

Let’s split up! Each go our separate ways in here. Get ketchup! Starburst and hominy! Waffle batter, spice rub for chicken and fish, granola, corn tortillas, these green maraschino cherries in, like, a fucking tall skinny jar, travel size lint rollers, this shitty soda, a sheet cake.

The devil is drunk, everyone! He went into the sky and tore it open, AND NOW GODDAMN SNOW IS COMING OUT OF THE HOLE HE RIPPED IN HEAVEN!

What the fuck am I thinking? Fuel! What are we doing stuck in a goddamn checkout line when the reason deranged snow families will be disemboweling us is to take our sweet syrupy gasoline!

Fuck you, I’m not losing it! Here’s the cold, hard, snowy-ass truth: We need to ditch the cart and get to the gas station! Ditch it! Let go of me, goddammit!

Shit, wait, you know what? The people who didn’t stock up like us will undergo severe changes. They’ll take on other forms. Then you’ve got porpoes and throgs! Fucked up angels and horny cops! They’ll all be at the door with claws, trying to get to steal our photos and pets and shit like that!

Fact: We need to form a government. No, you know what we need? A huge tank! Like the one underneath this gas station. A big empty tank we can put underground. But it needs to be motorized, so it can move like a mole through a series of secret tunnels in our bleak and glorious new underworld.

We’ll lose our sight down there like cavefish. Look at me! Listen very closely! Our eyes will go as white as this fucking snow eventually. We need to remember what we look like forever so we always love each other.

Oh, I need to calm down? I’m overreacting?

Pull your head out, Carol! It’s literally fucking snowing!