MICHAEL: You know how I’ve been talking about adopting a baby goat?

ALEXANDRA: By the brazen impetus that is Emma González… it was ONE CHIN WHISKER, Michael. I swear I am never asking you for plucking help again.

MICHAEL: I’m serious! I found a nonprofit on Instagram called Goats of Anarchy that cares for special needs baby goats and I’m signing up to volunteer. If I promise not to adopt one on my first visit, would you come with me?

ALEXANDRA: GOATS? With everything else happening in the world, you’re worried about goats? Black History Month has been over for two weeks and I still haven’t found a way to properly atone for white-washing MLK day by posting that “…only light can do that,” meme on social media. We’ve already burned through half of Women’s History Month and all I’ve done to celebrate is donate to the campaign of a breastfeeding candidate. Betsy Devos just admitted that she doesn’t intentionally visit schools despite being the Secretary of Education, and…

MICHAEL: You know the worst thing about Betsy? She doesn’t care about special needs — for people OR goats. Volunteering to help these goats thwarts Betsy. And I have two words for you, Alex: Goat. Yoga. IN THE COMFORT OF OUR OWN HOME. And we could book other goat yoga paying gigs for him/her/they so him/her/they can someday support him/her/themselves despite being differently abled.

ALEXANDRA: Goats aren’t people, Michael. And I’m pretty sure they are generally gender-conforming. Besides, it seems like it’s the elephants that need help right now. Do you not read the news? Or maybe you DID read the paper over the weekend and felt a little too much affinity with that pinnacle of privilege they profiled in the Times? I almost prefer them glorifying Nazis to encouraging that sort of apathetic entitlement. “The Blockade.” “Elliptical sculptures.” With every passing paragraph, I hated him more.

MICHAEL: “Hate cannot drive out hate…”

ALEXANDRA: Keep it up, Michael, and I will impose some serious tariffs on your love life, Michael.

MICHAEL: I think you mean sanctions, my love. And just like 45 towards his beloved Putin, you won’t enforce them.

ALEXANDRA: We’ll see. While you were ignoring all the breaking news and tweetstorms, did you happen to check the weather?

MICHAEL: 100% chance of snow.

ALEXANDRA: I can see that by looking out of the window, too, Michael. How much are we going to get? Did we underprepare for yet another Nor’easter?

MICHAEL: Since we stopped eating bread, I just can’t muster the motivation to buy groceries every time there’s snow in the forecast. Besides, why buy food that’s just going to spoil when we lose power again? But I could put all our devices on the chargers if that makes you feel like we’re being more proactive.

ALEXANDRA: By all means, let’s have full batteries on our phones while ignoring breaking news alerts. And, um, while you’re at it, why don’t you download a movie just in case.

MICHAEL: I’ll have you know I still read news articles, Alex. Like yesterday I read an article of Huffington Post comparing the plot of The Shape of Water to a documentary about a guy who made love to a Dolphin named Dolly.

ALEXANDRA: Where’s the nonprofit working to put an end to THAT? Find it and sign us up for at least three volunteer shifts ASAP.

MICHAEL: So that’s a no on the goats?

ALEXANDRA: I like goats, too. Set up some goating. But be sure to keep the 24th goat-free. There’s no way we’re missing the March for our Lives. No kid is cute enough to keep me from supporting the children stepping up to lead the revolution.

MICHAEL: I’m all for marches in March. Even though March is a real asshole from a weather standpoint. But the leprechauns are a definite plus. Say, do you feel as a woman that having Saint Patrick’s Day in the midst of Woman’s History Month somehow demeans it?

ALEXANDRA: No more than Valentine’s Day does Black History Month. If you ignore the whole culturally-appropriative concept of the holiday, all the half-priced green drinks peddled to women during those bar crawls could be symbolic of our receiving half the salary of our male contemporaries. If you cross your eyes, it’s actually on-brand.

MICHAEL: Plus floozy leprechaun costumes symbolize the objectification of women. You should participate in that demonstration, Alex. You would look smokin’ combatting misogyny in a green spandex mini. For the matriarchy, of course.

ALEXANDRA: That’s an even less logical conclusion than preventing school shootings by arming teachers. Frankly, you have better odds of getting laid by a Dolphin, my dear.