I’m not a Nazi.

How many times do I have to say this? Three times? Twenty-seven? Every single time someone accuses me? I’d never get anything done!

How would you feel if you constantly—without a single break—had to declare your non-Nazi-ness every time someone said you were a Nazi?

You’d be denying your Nazi ties all day, every day! It’s ridiculous.

Just because I converse with a lot of Nazis, and a lot of murderous Nazis cite me in their manifestos, and all these Nazis are retweeting and lifting me up, does NOT make me a Nazi. It just means, for whatever reason, Nazis REALLY enjoy my thoughts and the way I express them.

Think about it this way: if you constantly talked about how a whole group of people should be blamed for things you made up, but in a thinly veiled and dog-whistle-y kind of way that relays the message to an unhinged fringe movement, while simultaneously shielding you through semantics and gymnastics-level word twisting, would that make you a Nazi?

Because it doesn’t make me one.

Am I supposed to say I’m not a Nazi every time I gain a Nazi follower? Um, it’s not my fault Nazis love me. I wouldn’t blame you for all your Nazi followers.

I mean, where does it end, people? Am I going to have to answer for every white supremacist I retweet?

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How many times do I have to say I’m not the Babadook?

Every time I haunt a widow and her traumatized child? Can you imagine the amount of time I could save by not having to say I’m a Babadook? I could use all that time saying I’m not a Nazi. Sheez, guys, get a life already.

Your time could be better spent being productive rather than pointing out my Babadook top hat, spindly arms, and sweet floating bod. Maybe focus on yourselves for once. It’s getting pathetic.

OK, so now every time I whisper the word “Babadook” in a raspy stunted voice you’re going to say I’m “clearly a Babadook”? Well, then I guess I can never win because “Baaaa… baaaa… dooook” is a very common expression.

How would you feel if every time you said ANYTHING people accused you of being a murderous entity hellbent on possessing a grieving mother? Not too good, huh? Maybe think twice before accusing people of being terrifying grief ghosts, plebes.

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How many times do I have to say I’m not Itztlacoliuhqui, God of Frost and Death?

OK, so every time I hold a straw broom that symbolizes my wintery obligation to sweep away the dry debris of shedding life to make way for new growth—as is my cosmic duty—you’re going to say I’m Itztlacoliuhqui? Unreal.

Well, then, by that standard, I guess I’ll never be able to stop saying I’m not the Aztec God of Cold and New Beginnings.

Can you imagine having to constantly fend off the accusation that you’re the mythic god of the Thirteenth Day and eternal guardian of matter in its lifeless state? You’d never get anything done. These attacks have got to stop.

Frankly, you’re all hysterical and irrational. Yes, I have an arrow through the head from an attempt to punish the God of Dawn for his arrogance, but are you seriously going to judge me by the way I look? I thought all you guys were against that. Hypocrites.

Who’s the judgmental one now?

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How many times do I have to say I’m not the Annihilating Force of Antimatter?

So because you inferred that I’m the mirror representation of all matter in the known universe, that means I must be anti-matter? Wow. You have quite the imagination.

I may have openly talked about how I can cause a nuclear-level explosion if I come into contact with matter, but since when does acting exactly like antimatter automatically make a person antimatter?

Maybe you’re shocked I’m pro-free speech on the subject of anti-matter. Sure, I act and think like an unknowable energy that can level a major city with just one gram of my being, but that doesn’t mean I condone the actions and words of antimatter.

In fact, just you thinking that means you’re anti-antimatter. You’re the problem. It’s truly disgusting, and I take zero pleasure in pointing out the bigotry you display when you point out my true nature. You’re such a Nazi.