“When Republican megadonor Harlan Crow isn’t lavishing Justice Clarence Thomas with free trips on his private plane and yacht, he lives a quiet life in Dallas among his historical collections. These collections include Hitler artifacts, plus a garden full of statues of the 20th century’s worst despots.” — The Washingtonian
Welcome to my home. Did you have much trouble finding it? I realized that “take a left once you pass the skull on a spike” was sort of vague. Yes, there are multiple heads on spikes. They’re simply a reminder of the atrocities of which humanity is capable.
So, what do you think of my place? It’s difficult to find a mansion that’s been bathed in blood, but I told my realtor I just needed a house with character. How about a quick tour?
Straight down this hallway, you’ll find the kitchen, and next to that is the sitting area. Across the hall is the library and, of course, the bedrooms are upstairs.
What’s in there? Oh, that’s my shrine to the Ancient One. Yes, good eye, that is the Necronomicon. Bound in flesh and everything. What, you think it’s suspicious that I have a book of spells used to summon the Old Gods placed on a dais in a room called the Ritual Shrine? Oh, come on. Your generation has no love of history. Do you know what I had to do to get this book? The people I had to pay? The things these hands have seen? No easy feat.
I think you’re misunderstanding my reasons for having the Necronomicon. You see, I’m a lover of history, even the dark parts. It’s important to commemorate the great evils that have come before so we don’t repeat our past mistakes.
Sure, I could donate it to a museum, but they wouldn’t let me perform the dark rites. The book would just sit behind glass with a plaque reminding us of the misery it has caused. I want to experience it. For historical accuracy. Every Sunday, I light the candles, chant the phrases, and perform a simple ritual sacrifice. Otherwise, this great and awesome evil would be lost to time, and its power would slowly fade. And then what’s left? Only what they teach in museums and schools, and we all know they have no impartiality.
That’s why I invite our country’s leaders and legislators here from time to time so I can remind them of the importance of remaining impartial by displaying the many spells and curses I can bring down upon them if they fail to meet my exacting standards. Thank goodness so many of them are just as committed to preserving history as I am.
Am I worried about resurrecting the Old Gods? Quite the contrary. I can’t wait until they’re back. I’ve only heard the stories of the death and destruction they’ve caused, but soon we’ll be able to experience the history ourselves. No, it’s not irresponsible or dangerous. I’ve made sure to worship at the altar regularly so that they will respect my loyalty upon their great return, and I will be spared. If everyone else doesn’t appreciate history as I do, then that’s their problem.
Our nation’s greatest minds all come here to worship so they, too, will be safe when the reckoning comes. And then we’ll all be able to learn from history in real time. No museum can offer that.
No, I don’t think being surrounded day and night by these evil trinkets has made me lose perspective. Now if you’ll excuse me, I can hear the baying of the hellhounds demanding blood. Please, make yourself comfortable. I’ll be back in a bit. Feel free to check out my other historical items. The Lance of Longinus is in the next room over, framed and surrounded by cartoon hearts. Again: for history.