“[Supreme Court Justice] Thomas has attended at least two Koch donor summits, putting him in the extraordinary position of having helped a political network that has brought multiple cases before the Supreme Court.” — ProPublica, 9/22/23

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The Supreme Court is a venerated institution that, since 1789, has been the highest court in the United States justice system. Like any large public institution, we have historically relied on federal funding for most, if not all, of our operating costs, which makes sense considering we are the preeminent body of one of the three branches of government.

However, given that a contingent of Congress seems to believe the United States is running out of money and thus threatens to shut the government down every few years, we feel that the federal government can no longer be considered a reliable source of funding for the vital work we do here. That is why we are so pleased to announce that, thanks to a generous donation, the Supreme Court will remain fully funded for the foreseeable future. And in recognition of that kind gift, the Supreme Court will be renamed the Koch Center for Justice.

This exciting new chapter of the court’s history has been made possible by a $1 billion donation from business magnate and political fundraiser Charles Koch, who recognizes the Supreme Court’s invaluable role in administering justice, protecting civil liberties, and checking executive overreach. Although we have chosen to rename our institution in recognition of his philanthropy, we assure you that the Supreme Court will continue to serve those crucial functions as the Koch Center for Justice.

Along with the name change, there will also be many exciting improvements to the court’s facilities over the next few years. All of the stuffy, uncomfortable chairs in the courtroom will be replaced with reclining, movie theater-style seating, which we’ve long felt is more appropriate for witnessing the bluster and spectacle that the Supreme Court has become known for in recent years. Of course, as part of that renovation, the brand-new Murdoch Press Section for Freedom of Speech and Unbiased Reporting will have to reduce the seating available to the press to two. We will, therefore, have to limit which news organizations can attend, and will give preference to those whose names start with the letter F—a nod to the “Freedom” and “Fairness” that the Koch Center for Justice will uphold.

We are also excited to announce the first of many newly renamed positions on the court, which acknowledge other key sponsors of our institution. Clarence Thomas’s position will henceforth be known as the Heritage Foundation Associate Justice for Textualism and Post-Racial Policy. This distinction honors the think tank’s financial support and continued partnership with the court. Other judgeships are still open for renaming but may soon include the ExxonMobil Associate Justice for Deregulation and Energy Independence, the People of Praise Associate Justice for the Reunification of Church and State, and the National Review Chief Justice for Complicity and Just Following Orders.

Critics have complained about the close friendships our justices have with many of the charitable donors involved in our rebrand, some of whom happen to have business before the court. But after years of diligent self-reporting and internal investigation, the court has found no evidence of inappropriate relationships. We assure the public that any conversations between donors and justices have been strictly limited to things like deep sea fishing, that it’s interesting how few prize sport fish there seem to be in the Gulf of Mexico these days, and how that has absolutely nothing to do with offshore oil drilling.

This exciting partnership is the next logical step in ensuring that the court continues serving the populations it was always intended to protect. Namely, those in our society who are most vulnerable to tax evasion inquiries, and those whose civil rights have been violated by not being allowed to violate the civil rights of others. We again thank the selfless individuals and corporations whose beneficence will no doubt leave a legacy for generations to come. And to some of those patrons, we’ll see you in court soon.