STEP 1: Research horses
This may come as a surprise, but not all horses enjoy baths. For example, an Arabian horse was bred for the desert and therefore has no evolutionary instinct for water. In your research, maybe explore why you want to bathe a horse in the first place. A horse is a big commitment and it’s ethically questionable to buy one for the sole purpose of giving it a bath.
STEP 2: Set a horse budget
If you are buying a horse for a single soak, you’re either very wealthy or very uninformed about median horse prices. The average horse costs roughly the same amount as eleven Golden Retrievers. And that doesn’t include food, shoes, or insurance, which you’ll need because horse theft is rampant and grossly under prosecuted.
STEP 3: Locate a horse breeder
There’s a two-bit horse for sale within 50 miles of any buyer. But you’re not looking for a two-bit horse; you’re looking for a prime stallion with a shiny coat to lather, which means you need to go where the horses flow like bathwater: the Kentucky Hoof Belt. Knock on any barn in Southern Kentucky and you’ll find a prime mare before your therapist can say, “I don’t think this obsession is healthy.”
STEP 4: Rent a horse trailer
Unfortunately, Horse Lyft did not get its final round of funding, so the only way to get your horse home is to rent a trailer, which you’ll need a special license to drive. This online training class is cheap and, if your partner does not approve of your increasingly time-consuming fantasy, can be completed in short, incremental trips to the bathroom.
STEP 5: Find a horse-sized tub
Chances are a full-grown horse is not going to fit in your bathtub. And sadly, it’s illegal to publicly bathe a horse in America. In fact, there’s only one bathtub in the world with a wide enough diameter to fit a horse that’s also in a country with lax horse-bathing laws: the royal tub in the Palace of Versailles.
STEP 6: Ship your horse to France
You need a high-quality shipping partner if you’re going to get your horse to his bath in one piece. Not sure about you, but my husband does not love the idea of me chipping away at our kids’ college savings to pay for chaperoned flights for my equine friends. That’s why I created a digital skimming tool that rounds up every transaction we make and siphons the change into my horseflight.com account.
STEP 7: Trojan elephant your horse
The only way to get a horse into Versailles is to hide it inside an elephant. And the only way to get an elephant into Versailles is by hosting an event that recreates Louis XIV’s menagerie. First, you’ll need to quit your job, get hired at a French PR firm, pitch your idea to the Versailles event committee, and spend a full year planning, organizing, and recreating a 17th-century zoo. When the day finally comes, you’ll disguise your horse in authentic elephant skin, parade him around the grounds, then hide him in one of the shuttered kitchens on the ground floor. Do not second-guess yourself. This is worth a divorce!
STEP 8: Disable the castle security system
While your mustang waits, join a tour of the castle interior, then peel off when you arrive at the PERSONNEL SEULEMENT sign in the northeast wing. Versailles’ mainframe is just beyond this door. Somehow, you can authenticate using any QR code — I use my Panera app. Once you’re authorized, kill the security cameras and disable the alarms. Ignore the calls from your mother. She’s probably just “worried about your mental health.”
STEP 9: Take down the guard
Once surveillance is down, collect your horse and sneak him out of the kitchen and onto the freight elevator. Grab a four-hundred-year-old cast iron pan on your way out. The elevator will drop you just outside of Louis XIV’s bathing sanctuary: a massive, octagonal bathtub guarded by a French paramilitary officer. Blindside him with the pan. Left to right. One fluid motion. No regrets. You’re living your dream and that’s way more valuable than conforming to a “normal life” you never wanted in the first place.
STEP 10: Bathe your horse
Bring some lavender bubble bath. Horses love lavender.