First, if you live in the Northern Hemisphere, you know that the months of June through September, otherwise known as summer, are hot months. Apologies for talking down to you, of course you are aware of this.
Now, if you live in the Southern Hemisphere, it would behoove you to go to your local library, which is a building where books are kept, and look at an atlas, which is a book that contains maps of the World, which is the giant spherical ball on which we live, which orbits around the Sun, the thing in the sky that gives us heat. Turn to the page that has the map of the World, and observe that you occupy the lower half of the map. Before you get upset, I would refer you once again to the map, where you can see that, as a Northern Hemispherian, or NoHemi, I have to talk down to you, in the most literal sense. By looking at the map, I want you SoHemis to understand that, as the sleeping bats of the world, everything is the opposite for you. What’s up is down; therefore, what’s hot is cold. So when you read this, I want you to think about your summer, which is our winter, which is cold, which I’m not talking about. I’m talking about your winter, our summer. But also our winter, your summer. Let that sink in for a moment while us NoHemis finish our quantum physics theorems.
The fact that this is your reality, you, The World’s Trousers, is mind blowing to us, the World’s Fantastic Rack. Just the fact that your Christmas, if that is what you do call it, and not something like Samtsirhc, occurs when it’s hot outside, is, for lack of a better term, fucking nuts. You don’t understand the concept of a snowy Christmas, bundled up in a fun holiday sweater in front of a roaring fire in your country manor house, as everyone, absolutely everyone, in the Northern Hemisphere does. Instead, you sit on a sofa carved from ice, in a red and green bathing costume, opening presents wrapped in bamboo leaves, eating koala meat. Your Santa Claus, instead of wearing a red suit and sporting a neatly trimmed beard, wears Jams, a Hawaiian shirt and wrap-around sunglasses, with his long, blonde streaked hair tied in a knot on the top of his head. Instead of a sleigh drawn by reindeer, he rides a surfboard drawn by dolphins, one with a glowing red snout. I can only hope that the next Ice Age comes swiftly enough so that you, too, may enjoy the pleasure of a White Christmas.
Now, the thing that unites our Hemispheres, besides The Equator (The World’s Plaited Belt), is that as humans, we enjoy being warm. That’s just science. However, when the heat becomes so extreme so that it feels like you’re in the sequel to the movie Face/Off entitled, Face Melting/Off, you can use these helpful tips to keep cool as a daisy and fresh as a cucumber.
Look Cool, Feel Cool
Yes, that sounds like a line from an Old Navy ad. I wouldn’t know, I don’t shop at Old Navy. There are certain rules I follow in life, and that is one of three. The other two are none of your business, but I’ll just say that if you ask me to have drinks with Helen Hunt I will decline, and if you put parsley on my meal we will never speak again. Point being, when the heat is on, make sure that you are wearing the latest styles so that your outer cool actually lowers your body temperature. For women, I suggest really big underpants. You know the kind. There’s a term for them, but I refuse to say it, which actually makes four rules that I live by. Pair the really big underpants with a gingham bra.
If you are like the majority of men and live by the code of “Death Before Shorts,” find a loose fitting mesh linen pant and cut giant slits up the side. The flapping slits will create a natural fan. I would also recommend pairing those with a gingham bra.
Alcohol is just water with some other stuff in it. So you should drink as much alcohol as possible when the temperatures are boiling to ensure that you are both getting a lot of water into your system, and having as much fun as possible. It’s efficient, it’s responsible, it’s just basic common sense.
This might seem obvious to you, but sometimes it is necessary to reiterate obvious things, especially to SoHemis. So, I say again, stay indoors. Sequester yourself in a darkened room and train three fans on you: one for your face, one for your front and one for your butt. If you’re a NoHemi, you should borrow the SoHemis tradition of sitting on a sofa carved from ice. You see, we can all learn things from each other.