First, you must be pure of heart and clear of intention. You must be positive that you do not want the Celebrity for their fame, their money, or their good looks. For example, if you want to befriend Robert Pattinson (who doesn’t??) you should not want to do it for the opportunity to say, “I can’t remember the plot to New Moon. Let me just text my good friend Robert Pattinson, who is the star of that film as well as Twilight.”
Let’s pretend that you had to take an imaginary oath stating that you could never mention that you knew the Celebrity even if you were best friends. Even if someone asked you, point blank, “Are you best friends with the Celebrity?” you’d have to deny it, like Jim Carrey’s character in Liar, Liar except the opposite, you know? Would you still want to befriend them? If the answer is yes, then read on.
First, you should probably live wherever they are filming. Let’s say they’re filming in New York and you live in New York. Great! If you actively go to the place where they are filming in order to befriend them then you’ve already tried too hard and your heart is not pure. In a perfect world, such desperate behavior would cause you to burst into flames, but we don’t live in a perfect world. I don’t have to tell you that.
Next, make plans to go out with your best friend who is also pure of heart re: befriending the Celebrity. This can’t be someone like a childhood best friend who gets too drunk and embarrasses you all the time but you’re all like, “I’ve known them since I was five so I can’t drop them.” No, this should be your adult best friend whose friendship you value for actual real reasons. It is possible that your childhood best friend is your actual best friend, but I really doubt that and you should probably revisit that friendship.
You and your real best friend should go out on a Monday night. The fact that it is a Monday night is very important. No one goes out on a Monday night except for famous people who do not keep normal people schedules and people like you who don’t have jobs. It’s a good thing you don’t have a job, otherwise you might think twice about your venture.
It’s very important that you have a friend with you. The Celebrity has to be assured that you are not desperate for friends, that their friendship would be an added bonus to your cadre of super cool friends, but you could take it or leave it.
You and your friend are a team, and as such, you should have a team name. Let’s keep with the Robert Pattinson example. You can call yourselves the “Van Helsings.” As you may or may not recall, Abraham Van Helsing is a fictional character from Bram Stroker’s 1897 novel, Dracula. I believe Hugh Jackman portrayed him in the 2004 movie, Van Helsing. Obviously you don’t want to fight or kill Pattinson, it’s just a whimsical allusion to his most famous role to date.
Go to a dive bar in an up-and-coming neighborhood. Not scary-hobo divey, just your run of the mill cheap beer dive filled mostly with people who could afford more than cheap beer (again, not you because you don’t have a job, as previously mentioned). The Celebrity will be sitting at the bar, either alone with a hooded sweatshirt over their head or with an entourage, mostly hangers on.
The Celebrity is a delicate fawn-flower hybrid of innocence and beauty and fragility. You must not frighten or harm them. Put out your hand so that they may sniff it. Then offer them a beer. Their defenses will lower, though they will probably refuse as they are offered one all the time. Shrug in a “no biggie” way but then turn in such a manner that reveals your best friend at the next table.
Oh! I forgot to say: Your best friend should be extremely good looking and the opposite sex of whatever celebrity you are trying to befriend. But good looking in a laid back discreet hot sort of way.
The Celebrity will come over, helping you with your beers because three is a lot to carry. They’ll sit down and you’ll talk about indie music and art films. Then, once you give the signal, your hot friend will mention that they are engaged. After you give your friend another signal, they will take their leave and you will be left with the Celebrity who will begin to know you just for you. I think this is called a bait and switch or some derivation thereof. At the end of the night you’ll shake hands and exchange numbers and later go to a concert together, and you will be friends for life.