Listen up, girls! It’s almost summertime, which means there are only a couple months left to get your perfect beach body! Don’t panic! Here’s a how-to guide to YOUR ultimate beach body!


Ladies, it’s time to get tough—tough skin on the bottom of your feet, that is! Being able to walk on hot sand is a MUST HAVE for any beach body! How else will you get from the boardwalk to the Sea Shack for some cheese fries? To build up the calluses on the bottom of your feet, walk around town barefoot at least three times a week before you even think about stepping on that sand! For even tougher tootsies, turn your oven to 375 and press your feet against the rack. Who says you aren’t a baker?


Good news! Since you’re lying down most of the time at the beach, ANY pair of legs are already beach-ready legs. As long as your legs can carry you from your towel to the ocean so you can pee in the water, you’re good to go!


Gals, it’s your butt that leaves a lasting impression—in the sand! Butt prints are THE way to call dibs on a cool spot on the beach and to identify where you were sitting before you left to pee. And on the beach, it’s old school rules: the bigger the butt print, the bigger your turf! To make sure your butt will leave a big impact, pack on the pounds before your first beach trip. Practice sitting in a tray of kitty litter to get to know your butt’s distinctive shape. When you get to the beach, you’ll know exactly which plot of sand is yours, and so will everyone else! So fatten that ass and make your mark!


For beach-ready arms, you’ll want your arms to look as much like a fish’s fins as possible. This will help you swim fast, and why are you even at the beach if not to swim? To get fin arms, stretch your arm skin in a downward motion every day to lengthen and elongate the width of your upper arms. You can do this in front of the television, during your lunch break, or while talking with your therapist about body issues. Within weeks your arm skin will be long and floppy, just like a fish’s fins! Hunks will go gaga over how fast you cut through those waves!


Sisters, your tummy is the key to any beach body! Because it’s where all the tasty beach snacks and cocktails go! To have a beach-ready stomach, all you have to do is go to the beach on an empty stomach so you can fill it up with yummy beach treats like conch fritters and frosty mugs of beer! Belly up to the bar, girlfriends!


Simply put, hair and the beach do not mix. Sand gets in your hair, the wind whips your hair around, and it gets stuck in your sunscreen. To keep a sand-free mane, put that hair up in a loose bun. Then ask a friend with scissors to cut that bun off. Then use a cute purple razor to shave off the rest of your hair. No muss, no fuss!


Don’t forget the finishing touches to that perfect beach body! It’s a smart idea to paint something distinctive on your face that can be seen from long distances, in case you get too far out in the surf and the lifeguard needs to spot you, or if your friends are trying to find you on a crowded beach. It’s easier to say, “I’ll be the one with the yellow and black checkered face” than explain how far from the third trash can from the boardwalk you are. So get smart and apply that face paint liberally, grrrl!

With these simple steps your body should be beach-ready in no time! (Also, in terms of a bathing suit, they’re stretchy for a reason so they’ll fit on anything, thus your body shape doesn’t matter at all.) Now get out there and have some FUN in the SUN!