First, chug a Sparks. You can purchase one at your local deli. It will either be in the energy drink or malt liquor section, as it is both. You will need this energy and drunkenness to get you through the next couple of hours of house hunting. Be sure to keep a contingency flask of Sparks in your breast pocket, lest you begin to become hung over or start uncontrollably shaking from the malt liquor and taurine withdrawal. Then, look up homes online that are within your price range. You can go a little above, as you are feeling confident from the Sparks. In fact, you feel immortal. Nay, you are immortal. Therefore, it goes that if you cannot be killed, you can of course afford something that’s $100,000 or one million dollars above your price range. Even if you don’t have one million dollars at this exact second, you’re sure to accrue one million dollars over the span of a couple hundred years, which is but a speck in the time line of your immortal life. Once you realize this, chug another Sparks in celebration.
Have a list of ten places you wish to visit. Start with the one that’s farthest away from you so that you can work your way in. Make sure the one that’s farthest away is no more than twenty miles. Actually, you know what? Fuck it. You’re the fastest and best driver in the world. It’ll take you no time to get anywhere. Get into your car and don’t bother with a seat belt (you’re immortal) and drive as fast as you can (which is really, really fast) to the first place. Put all the windows down and lean your head out of the window, like you’re a dog. Feel the wind and freedom blow through your hair. Imagine how cool you must look, especially if you’re wearing sunglasses. You should be wearing sunglasses. Cool ones. Steer with your right knee and break and accelerate with your left foot. Crank up the radio so that Sublime is like, IN, your head. Sing along to the lyrics: “Never had to battle with no bulletproof vest.” Fucking spot ON. Sublime GETS you! You could stop a bullet with your GODDAMN TEETH!!
Once you get to the first house, park as close to the nearest cliff edge as possible so you can maximize the view potential. Also, you can pretend like you’re in Thelma and Louise. And you’re pretty sure helicopters are following you. Why wouldn’t they? You’re the coolest, fastest most immortal person ever. You’d want to follow you too. Take a swig from your Sparks flask then yell in the manner of Braveheart to psych yourself up. Sprint as fast as you can to the house. The realtor might be spying on you as you approach, so this shows determination, and that you are not someone to be trifled with. Greet the realtor with a hearty handshake, but do not pump their hand. Just grasp it firmly. If they squirm, it means that they are weak. If they don’t, you have found a worthy adversary. Look them dead in the eye for at least ten seconds, but do not speak. This will let them know that you mean business. If they meet your gaze for that amount of time and say nothing then you may continue on a tour of the house. If they look away or try to extract their hand or say hello, leave immediately. You should also sprint out. Sprint in one direction but then abruptly change direction so they find it hard to follow you with their eyes. At this point, if you find it difficult to open the car door because of your shaking, you should drink the rest of your Sparks through your eyeball. The effects will be immediate and twice as potent and you will have the concentration of a child chess genius. Then, speed off to your next destination, head out the window, knee steering. Do not bother to consult a map, because you know all. You create your own roads and your own destinations. You could create your own house. You love to create. Everyone is but a pawn to be manipulated in your game, your giant game. Like that movie, The Game. Remember when Get Shorty was your favorite movie? All the world is watching you, following your every move. You should have a reality show. The camera doesn’t add ten pounds; ten pounds adds ten pounds. British people are charming snakes. Soothsayers make the best lunches. RIIIIIIIIIIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When you wake up, be sure to thank the doctors and EMTs who saved your life. Then flip to the real estate section of the paper.