Be a Prison Guard Circa 1925
This is the first and most obvious way to taunt. You should be racist or uneducated, or both, and work in an underfunded prison in the Deep South, let’s say Mississippi. Don’t stress if you end up in Alabama or something, though northern Virginia might pose a problem.
Pick a prisoner who is wrongfully imprisoned for a crime he did not commit. He must also be much bigger and stronger than you are. It helps a lot if you have a puny frame. You can maintain this through a strict diet of grain alcohol and muskrat. It’ll also make you meaner, an important quality for effective taunting.
As you are puny-framed and mean, it will give you a power trip to insult an innocent man behind bars. I’d suggest taunting him about his family first, maybe give him daily updates on how you slept with his wife. You don’t have to say that—be creative, although that has proven to be one of the more effective taunts. Of course, you wouldn’t actually do any of the horrible things you suggest, because you’re too much of a coward. You can practice being a coward by running away from bar fights or blaming your own faults on a friend or small child. Make sure the prisoner never takes his eyes off you and that he silently swells with rage.
After several months of this, dangle your prison keys in front of his cell in a taunting gesture. Then allow them to slip from your fingers. “Accidentally” kick them into his cell and then hastily fumble to retrieve them. Stand in frozen horror as he picks them up and unlocks the door. Shakily point your gun at him, but make sure your fear overwhelms you and that you are not able to fire. Your cowardice should guarantee this. Allow him to calmly twist the gun from your hands and throw it aside so that it clatters on the concrete floor. Then be beaten senseless. I hope you don’t die, but, if you do, rest assured that you’ve taunted well.
Bonus points if he has superpowers like that guy in The Green Mile.
Be a Chubby Little Kid
With a Predilection for Chocolate Bars
Although lesser known, this is nonetheless an equally effective way to taunt. It works best if your mother is a member of the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League. You should travel with her and her teammates and their alcoholic coach on their bus, causing general annoyance so that your game-time taunting obtains special credence. Suggest in a high-pitched whiny voice that they will not win the baseball contest. Put your thumbs in your ears and extend your fingers so that you look like a moose. Stick out your tongue and make a raspberry noise. Shake your butt slowly back and forth. Do not be surprised when a mitt is thrown at your face with such force that you fall backward midtaunt. You have deserved this, because you have taunted well.
Be an Elite Hotshot Fighter Pilot
Probably the flashiest way to taunt. Here your method of taunting will involve giving other pilots the finger while executing complicated midair maneuvers. With that said, I don’t recommend this type of taunting, because your dangerous moves will more likely than not put the other pilots in harm’s way. You’re not a racist, or a coward, or a fat child, and you don’t deserve the guilt that will overwhelm you when your best friend eventually dies in a crash. Though the crash won’t be directly caused by taunting, you’ll always wonder if your taunts had something to do with his death. So, yes, don’t do that.