You’re really going to do it! You’re going to ask the love of your life to marry you! Fuck yeah, that is so tight! No way you’re gonna phone it in and take her to a nice dinner and hide the ring in the soufflé. She could choke, bro! Plus that shit’s expensive—you don’t want the soufflé to ruin the zirconium. No, you want something MEMORABLE. Something balls to the motherfuckin’ WALL. And since you don’t have your tandem skydiving license (yet) you’re going to plan an epic fucking coordinated dance lip sync proposal that the entire goddamn world will see. It’s called YouTube, bitches. Or Vimeo, if you’re a pussy.

Unforch you’re gonna have to ask your family and friends from both sides to help you out, even though most of them have never been to a sweet dance party or lip-synced-their-way-into-a-free-round-of-shots-at-a-Dave-&-Buster’s a day in their life. It’s cool though, they’ve def heard “Marry You” by Bruno Mars, which is the only song on the planet you could ever use for this type of proposal situation. Speaking of planets, SOMEHOW your dumbass grandma thought Bruno Mars was a fucking planet when you mentioned it to her. Whoever heard of planet Bruno?? It’s like, watch the Super Bowl, Grandma.

Cut any non-talent from your roster. Sure, you’d love to have her mother present (LOL), but her mother was a total boner killer when you asked for your GF’s hand in marriage. You thought you were doing something really fucking classy and SHE can’t stop crying uncontrollably? And not in a happy cry way. Like, I know you won’t kill yourself if I marry your daughter, Lyn. I can totally spot a bluff, I play a shit ton of online poker. It’s like, we fucking love each other and your daughter has a sweet pair of ta-tas and you should be grateful that she didn’t get YOUR lame-ass rack. And then your GF’s stepdad gets upset when you say that? What, does he want his stepdaughter to marry a liar?

And, yeah, her best friend “means a lot to her” but she’s also “tone deaf” and that totally comes through in a lip sync. So, basically, you’re down to her twin (your GF is now the hot twin thanks to the nose job, thank GOD), her weird cousin, and the foreign exchange student who lived with her for a year when she was twelve who she said was “creepy” but I bet she’ll be glad to see him. If you could have some cute fucking little kid thrown in the mix that could really up the “awww” factor. Not like millions of people aren’t going to be watching this on the Internet and weeping their goddamn faces off anyway because your gesture is so fucking sweet. What if you put the cute kid on a tiny BMX bike that’s being pulled like a fucking sleigh by a bunch of puppies and kittens? Dude, you GOTTA do that.

Since the rest of your families “don’t want to participate in this embarrassing farce,” whatever the fuck that means, you can fill out the rest of the group with some professional dancers. Go on Craigslist and write a post that’s like, “Hey Dancers. It would be super chill if you could pretend to be BFF with my GF and do this sweet coordinated dance and lip sync so I can propose to the love of my life who is like two hotness levels above me and I have to lock this shit down so your help is IMPERATIVE.” When they read that fucking heart felt message I bet you a lot of pro dancers would do that shit for free. Like, Kevin Federline pro.

Your GF will be grateful that she won’t see her family and friends stumbling through a lip sync and dance, TRUST. And who knows, maybe the dancers will be her new best friends. Oh man, that would be so tight, I bet they could sneak you into bar mitzvahs and shit. Did someone say Bar Mitzvah Crashers?? Haha someone get me Vince Vaughn’s email I got a movie to pitch him!

BTW, you should just rip off someone else’s dance lip sync proposal because you’re not a professional choreographer unless you ARE and then it’s like, why aren’t you marrying Britney Spears, dawg? Anyway, good fucking luck, man. Congrats! There’s no way she’s not going to marry you on the fucking spot, in fact one of the dancers should be a registered Universal Life Minister just in case.

Oh P.S.: this is Sarah Walker’s soon-to-be fiancé. Guess how I’m gonna propose? LOL. She’s gonna be so fucking psyched! Sick, bro!