Rich women love me. Their dogs are whatever. I’ve never had a dog myself, but my girlfriends always want one so I’ve seen a lot of pictures. I saw this article about a woman who charges a shitload hypnotizing cats and figured I could totally get a pocket watch and do that with dogs. I tell people that I like to think of myself as a vet without all that stupid medical training. You know, I can ask their dogs the hard questions instead of wasting time showing dogs x-rays or whatever vets do. My Facebook page says I focus on two lines of hypnotism: refocusing negative energy and bringing alternate experiences to the surface. That last part I thought up after reading the Wikipedia page about Scientology. I mean, if those street people can audit their reincarnations by Xenu or whatever, then I can ask a dog what’s up. I have this one client — she’s such a cougar and she was straight up convinced her dog Martin was hitting on her weekend housekeeper. I told her it was probably tied to some past shit and I spent twenty minutes swinging my watch and being all like, “YOU ARE NOT ROMANTICALLY INTERESTED IN RAMONA.” I told her Martin was a Civil War veteran and lost his wife and daughters, who were all named Ramona, to bird flu and this woman cried hard. She’s taking me out for drinks later. Her dog’s staying home.