MINISTER: Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man, Ed, and this opinion, that Donald Trump is not a racist, together in holy matrimony.

This blessed union of marriage is not one to be entered lightly, but reverently, passionately and blindly, despite all the evidence over many years that Donald Trump is, in fact, a racist.

In the years they have been together, Ed and his opinion that Donald Trump is not a racist have only grown closer together, with renewed commitment each time Donald Trump calls an African country a shithole, or attacks Colin Kaepernick, or degrades a predominantly black community, or tells a brown person to go back to where they came from.

We celebrate the wondrous love that exists today between Ed and his opinion that Donald Trump is not a racist. Love is joyous. Love is mysterious. Love is Ed explaining why Donald Trump’s support of birtherism wasn’t problematic, but just something people do in their spare time that is totally normal and not racist.

Ed and your opinion that Donald Trump is not a racist: Today, you are surrounded by your friends and family, all of whom have listened to your endless justifications of why Donald Trump’s obsession with executing five innocent black teenagers does not indicate any deficiency of character or racial bias. The possibilities of your life together are endless, and now falls upon you the task of choosing your values, such as getting outraged over people who believe that Donald Trump is a racist instead of considering, even for a moment, that they might be on to something. Clinging to these values for dear life will sustain you through times of trial and darkness, like when the Mueller Report did not result in the arrests of Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Eric Holder, and Loretta Lynch as QAnon promised it would.

If there is any person present who has reason to believe that Ed and his opinion that Donald Trump is not a racist should not be joined together in holy matrimony, let them speak now and be lectured for an hour by Ed about how the Democrats are the real racists, or forever hold their peace.

Who gives this opinion that Donald Trump is not a racist to be married to this man?


ED: I take you, my opinion that Donald Trump is not a racist, to be my lawfully wedded belief, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, honor, and cherish, ’til death do us part, no matter what Donald Trump says or does or even if they do release that tape of Donald Trump saying the n-word, which wouldn’t prove anything anyway, because no one knows what’s really in Donald Trump’s heart. Except for me. I KNOW he’s not a racist and I know it so hard that I’m marrying it.


MINISTER: By the powers vested in me, I now pronounce you man and belief! What denial has joined together, let no man put asunder.