Time is a cruel mistress, whether in the peculiar signatures of jazz, or in the life of a beloved pet. Both end in death.

You and I are in this void together, on hold with your vet to learn the fate of your beloved cat or dog — or bird, perhaps, if you’re a fan of experimental bebop. At the end of these seemingly endless minutes together you’ll receive news that will either bolster your hope that your friend will return home, or prepare you to have your pet sent to its death.

In either case, you will be paying a large amount of money and have the additional weight of guilt about whether you spent too little or too much money. So may I offer these heavily compressed synthesized horn sounds?

They will keep up your spirits, interrupted every 30 seconds by a recording reminding you that your call is important and that you should stay on the line. Now, back to the drum fill. Was that a maraca? I’ll never tell.

Sax solo. Feel the sensual comfort. Does it remind you of the first time you brought your pet home, forever altering both your lives? Key change, indeed.

It’s hard to encompass all of the emotions around a pet being sick in only 25 seconds. Also, I need to include some truly hot sax runs in order to be true to myself. I was not paid $75 for this composition in order to bring failure or fraud into the world.

But I’ve said too much already. Let’s return to the digitized plonks of what is supposed to be the sounds of a harp.

And good luck to your pet, whether it’s Dexter the cockatoo, Krang the tabby, or Dumptruck the beagle. I’m allergic to dander, so I’ve got an old iguana named Thelonious who has bowel issues. Occasionally when I’m on hold with his vet I hear this song — it’s called “Theo’s Theme.” May this muzak bring you the same relief that his poop meds do.