[Originally published July 26, 2012.]
I’m trying here. I’m really trying. I go to business school, I keep up with stocks, I spent my January food money on a new suit from Men’s Wearhouse that I’m required to wear for all of my presentations in classes. Give me a break.
I want to be a businessman. A mogul. My name is Brian, and I am the intern who reads all of your mocking tweets at the official Taco Bell Twitter account.
I get it. I get that you’re trying to be funny. My duties during my summer internship here at Taco Bell headquarters include making PowerPoint presentations of our monthly social media share increases through Tumblr (Devon in the cubicle next to me got Pinterest—the bastard), cleaning out the break room fridge at the end of the week, and reading “@” replies to our official Twitter account. I have to read all of them to see how we’re doing. This means taking note of celebrities that tweet positive things to us, retweeting happy customers who instagram us, and reading your silly comments. I see them all.
Don’t get me wrong. Some of you are pretty clever. Your “having to go to the bathroom often” premises are strong. Some of your parody accounts of a fat person who loves our food a lot seem to be popular. Your jokes like, “about to have a heart attack haha i don’t care nom nom nom” or whatever the fuck—I get it.
The thing is, I didn’t fly all the way out here to Irvine from Charlottesville, VA to be mocked. I came here to be a success. Taco Bell is a high-profit establishment. It’s a sensible place for me to be at this point in my business education. Please, let me just get back to charting the percentages of Tumblr posts promoting us using the “Cantina Bell” hashtag against Devon’s bullshit Pinterest Excel sheets. If I’m going to be a CFO of a casual dining franchise someday, you have to leave me be.
This request extends to any and all ironic retweets of any official Twitter posts by Taco Bell. Please. I have a job to do.