Hear ye, My disciples, for I speak upon you a great truth: It has come to My understanding that many of you who would love Me do not understand My true and fearsome nature. And so I say to you thusly: I, your God, the one true God, invented boners.

Verily, I speak it unto you. Every great big massive hard-on to the tiniest little tinge of horniness is My doing. I have created your bodies such that they be beautiful, such that they may live and let live, and it is for such that I did create the boner.

And to this, I say to you: May you live in peace, as the boner joke is also My will. And to this end, butt squeezes between consenting adults, fellatio, and every type of foot stuff, was given to you by Me so that you may be happy and live your best lives, as is the will of your God.

When you made fun of that Jesus statue in your church for having a six-pack, I, the Lord your God, did smile upon you. And every time you masturbate, I am like, “Good for you.”

Reading slutty fanfic is also the will of the Lord. Particularly Twilight fanfic—the Lord likes that especially, though I am firmly Team Jacob.

I, your God, put it in the mouths of humans to say the word “fuck.” And “tits.” And “blowjob.” I say to thee, I would not have given you those words if they were not great fucking words. For fuck’s sake, there’s nothing wrong with saying “blowjob.”

Farts, too, are very funny to Me. I created farts, yes, I say to you now, for the joy it brings Me to hear the sound. I made you shit, and I love that you shit. You may hate to look at your own shit, but I, who am all-knowing, know your shit to be beautiful. I stare at it often.

For while your body may disgust you, it delights Me for all eternity. And it is for boners, big throbbing enormous boners, that I rejoice. The Lord looks at you, and He smiles as He says: Fingerbang each other—fingerbang each other for Jesus Christ.