Look, everyone makes compromises when they vote for a politician. Democrats ignored Bill Clinton’s philandering because they liked the job he was doing. I’m pretty much the same, though I bet you think there’s something wrong about it simply because I’m a Trump supporter. The truth is, I don’t like Trump’s policies — can’t stand them, in fact. But I hold my nose and tolerate them, because what I really care about is the fact that he’s a huge asshole.

Let’s start with Trump’s tax cuts. Far from serving his supposedly populist platform, they’re clearly entrenching a kleptocratic plutocracy. But I’m willing to take them if it means we get a president who’s a complete fucking idiot. Someone really, profoundly stupid who doesn’t comprehend what capital letters and quotations marks are for. After eight years of a professorial, know-it-all wonk who understands economics beyond the word “deal,” it’s refreshing to see the Oval Office occupied by a stone-cold dumbass.

Bottom line, he’s exactly what America needs right now: a business moron.

What do I think about his slashing of environmental regulations? It’s a catastrophe waiting to happen, of course. I shudder when I think about the savage wars my children will be conscripted for in the coming years over water and wheat. It’s absolutely worth dying a few decades earlier, however, for a little bitch-ass POTUS who gets into Twitter fights with sitcom stars. Say what you will about his subsidizing corporations to put poison in baby food, but that’s the tradeoff you have to make for a prick of a commander-in-chief who uses schoolyard nicknames so often they come up in his phone as predictive text. Sure, the far-right executive actions are frightening and dystopian, but Trump’s character is rock-ribbed, dyed-in-the-wool shitstain.

At the end of the day, no matter your political persuasion, you just want a president who has the two main ingredients of a great leader: being a petty twat with no real friends.

Don’t let the president or anyone else tell you different: immigrants are this nation. I don’t like Trump’s immigration laws; they’re racist and economically disastrous. But I do love how evil he is. What’s more, he’s surrounded himself with the country’s greatest evildoers—an assembly of superbly hideous anal abscesses. It’s inspiring to see a bloated septuagenarian shithead following the dictates of a soulless millennial fuckfaced tool who gets a hard-on only when he sees small children in cages. Trump’s cruelty doesn’t stop with the foreign toddlers he’s orphaned, either. When he mocks the weight of someone at his campaign rally whom he mistakenly believes to be a protestor and who is, in fact, fitter than he is, it just shows you what a once-in-a-lifetime cocksucker he is, spraying his jackassery in every direction like bullets from an assault rifle he refuses to ban because, once again, he’s a terrible person, which is why he’ll always have my vote. The moment he taunted John McCain for being captured in a war that he dodged through a fake injury, I knew Trump was my guy — just a total dick, you know? He stands up for the things he believes in, such as himself and nothing else. He’s the politician I’d want to have a beer with so I could listen to him talk shit about everyone we know, and then he’d order two cheeseburgers just for him and stiff me with the bill, and then I’d realize later that he definitely talks shit behind my back, too.

I’m not surprised he makes fun of his own kids, when he’s able to remember their names. What a shriveled ball sack of a man. That’s what we’ve been missing on the world stage!

Okay, fine, you run down the list of Trump’s heinous actions — cozying up to dictators, restricting reproductive rights even though he’s surely funded a couple dozen abortions himself, stripping our nation of its democracy as he sells us out to his Russian oligarch masters — and I could easily come up with something about his behavior that I’m one hundred percent behind: the pathological lying over trifling bullshit, the hoarse screaming in front of helicopters about not knowing someone in his inner circle who was just indicted, the obnoxious smirking as he humps the flag with his impotent mushroom dick.

I’m grinning and bearing it, like Melania at a public event forced to stand next to the sociopath she despises for being history’s most repulsive human taint. True, we may have a president whom I find abhorrent on every conceivable issue. But at least we finally have a real douchebag in office.

I only hope that Don, Jr., turns out to be an even bigger piece of shit.

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Teddy Wayne’s new novel, Apartment, will be published Feb. 25. He will be in conversation with Jesse Eisenberg at McNally Jackson Books Seaport tonight, Feb. 24 at 7 p.m.