“Sending $250/$350 per month/per child to everyone, with no work requirement, is welfare. Being pro-family means being pro-work.”
Sen. Marco Rubio, 2/22/21

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As a pro-family Republican Senator, I’m vehemently opposed to the Democrats’ plan to reform the Child Tax Credit and give families money every month to care for their children. Sure, on the surface it sounds good when they say things like, “This plan would cut the child poverty rate in half” and “Children deserve to eat.” But ask yourself, what is really going on here? To me, this just sounds like another deranged liberal plot to cut child poverty and let children eat.

Democrats and bleeding heart liberals like Mitt Romney say that children should have their needs provided for them regardless of whether their parents have jobs. I agree, which is why we need to bring back child labor and make children sweat in filthy, dangerous factories.

I just don’t think we should just give people money and let them mooch off the government. If people want things like “food” and “clothes” and to “not sleep on a subway station floor while hedge fund bros step over their body while they artificially inflate stock prices to pay for their million-dollar condo in Long Island City,” — well, then those people should just get a job. And you know what people have never worked an honest job a day in their life? The first graders at French Road Elementary, that’s who.

Look at them, singing and learning math and holding hands on the playground. It makes me sick. Those kids should be hawking papers in the sewage-covered streets for seven cents a day.

Instead of receiving a handout that will make them reliant on the government, the youth of America should be spinning wool in a firetrap garment factory, where they can be reliant on cruel oligarchs instead. When their little friends die of asthma prematurely from breathing in wool fibers and asbestos all day in their poorly ventilated industrial building, those kids will be grateful that people get health insurance through work. Oh, not the factory kids. I mean other people with other, better jobs.

Some people say that I must hate kids because I think they should spend their childhood toiling for corporate billionaires, but it’s actually just because I think children deserve dignity and freedom. The Democrats just don’t understand the dignity of work. Work makes you free! I believe this so much, I even learned to say it in other languages. For example, German: Arbeit macht frei.

So let’s forget about giving these prepubescent freeloaders a monthly check and exploit their growing bodies for capitalism instead. We need eight-year-olds sweeping chimneys and toddlers in mine shafts. It may sound cruel to crush the dreams of sweet little apple-cheeked children, but it’s just a necessary evil so my billionaire friends can live their dreams of being even more billionaire-y.

I’ll be introducing my new Make Children Indentured Servants Again bill as soon as I pick my kids up from their private school and drive them to soccer practice. Oh, you thought my views on letting kids starve unless they work grueling hours would apply to my kids? No, of course not; they’ve already learned the value of hard work from me. No one works harder than the United States Senate. That’s something people say, right?