“Your mother’s SUV is so old, it takes four gallons to go around the mansion.”

“Your mother is so easy, she’d give any Green Party candidate’s war chest a heaping big donation, if you get my drift.”

“Your father is so poor, he has to borrow from loan sharks, who, I remind you, are not members FDIC.”

“Your sister is so skinny, she’d make a great sundial—if only she were strong enough to stand and I didn’t already own a Rolex.”

“Your brother is so sexually confused, he’s thinking of going bipartisan.”

“You flip-flop so much, I’d swear you were a pair of sandals.”

“You’re so unpatriotic, you once asked a question pertaining to the president.”

“Your father tried to dodge the draft and ended up with a cold. And then he enlisted anyway, for the free health care.”

“You’re so dumb, you worried the leisure class would have a test.”

“Your house is so small, it has just a two-car garage.”

“Your mother’s shoes are sensible—in the bad sense, like socialism.”

“You’re so stupid, you saw a doctor after being accused of conspicuous consumption.”

“Your family is not truly blue-blooded, more an aquamarine color.”

“You tried to get into an Ivy League school and got poison ivy instead.”

“Your fraternity is so ghetto it’s located not in a student ghetto, but a real one, with ethnics and everything.”

“You’re so stupid, you tried out for the NBA—and wound up with an MBA.”

“Your mother is such a bleeding heart, she once signed a petition.”

“Your country club is so cheap, it’s outsourcing to India.”

“Your lawyer chases dogs.”