As a God-fearing, pro-life member of the Trump administration, I believe that all human life was created by the Lord in His image, except the children we stole at the border, locked up in cages, and now have lost in a bureaucratic hell-labyrinth.

It turns out we forcibly took thousands more children away from their families than anyone knew about and now we have no idea where they are. Which I think Jesus would support, because He said, Whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. What position is more lowly than being a brown child who is ripped from their parents’ arms by a white nationalist government, imprisoned in freezing cold lice-infested cages with inadequate food and medical care, and then lost in a foreign country with no one to protect them from violence, trafficking and sexual abuse? We’re just helping these kids get their eternal reward in paradise. So what if there was a little state-sponsored kidnapping involved?

It’s going to take us years to find these kids. We could probably do it faster, but we have more important things to do in the Trump White House — like expanding the global gag rule to help more women die, and Photoshopping videos of Joe Biden groping Joe Biden. And hey, we’ve already scarred these kids for life, so what’s a couple more years of the profound trauma that separation etches into a child’s developing brain? It’s not like we’re doing this to white kids.

We want to be clear that we do care about children. We’re so dedicated to protecting life that we are tracking the periods of underage girls. You might think that if the United States government can track the private and intimate cycles of a girl’s uterus, we could also carefully track the whereabouts of the vulnerable children we took into custody. But in the eloquent parlance of our Dear Leader President Trump: WRONG.

Psalm 139:16 says, All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be. But the federal government forgot to write in its book exactly which children were taken sobbing from their loved ones and locked up in a desert detention camp, so we have no idea what these kids’ names are or where they might be. Don’t worry — we only have to sort through 47,000 immigration records to figure it out! Everyone knows the government is super efficient at things like that.

Look, it’s not like we’re completely violating their legal rights. After all, this is America and we believe in justice and checks and balances. Psalm 127:3-5 says, Children are a heritage from the Lord… they will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court. Which is why we’ve generously allowed migrant kids to represent themselves in immigration court, even the ones who still aren’t potty-trained. Justice is always served when helpless preschoolers go up against the machinery of the State.

Give us some credit — we aren’t taking kids away from their parents now that we’ve been court-ordered to stop. Now we’re keeping children with their parents while we abuse them and traumatize them and imprison them under a bridge. If their tiny soft toddler bodies are covered in bruises from sleeping on sharp rocks — well, those toddlers should have thought about that before they broke the law. Blame the Democrats for not letting us build the wall. Actually, just blame the Democrats for everything.

I’m relieved Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen is resigning. She clearly hasn’t been harsh enough. Under her leadership, the number of kids who were sexually abused in federal custody increased. And two other children died. Leviticus 19:34 says, The stranger who resides with you shall be to you as one of your citizens — well, the United States has the worst child mortality in the developed world, so we’re obviously being too nice to these refugee kids. That’s why I’m urging President Trump to nominate someone who can really crack down on immigration, like four vipers knotted into a swastika.

The Bible says we are fearfully and wonderfully made. That’s why I’m proud to be a humble Christ and Trump following Republican who believes in the sanctity of all human life. Except immigrants and asylum seekers. They’re animals.

God bless America. And none of the Mexicos.