Her toilet is in the middle of the living room.

She insists dinner be served through the mail slot.

Her toothbrush doubles as a shiv.

Sex costs two packs of smokes.

She leaves home through a secret tunnel.

She’s always critiquing the craftsmanship of license plates.

Tawny Kitaen is No. 1 on her speed dial.

She gets a faraway look in her eyes whenever she passes a highway work crew.

Our arguments always end with her threatening to lawyer up.

Her freezer is full of human heads.

Lots of jumpsuits. Never skydives.