Dear Human Resources Department,
I would like to submit my name for consideration for the position of Rent-Seeking Capitalist at your firm. Although this position is not listed on your website, I want to inquire about any openings that may be available in the future. I believe my experience and passion uniquely qualify me for this role.
As you can see from my CV, I spent four years in a corporate analyst position at a leading financial services company. In this role, I worked hard to complete the work delegated to me from higher levels of management, maintaining a positive attitude even when confronted with repetitive and boring tasks. Although I am grateful for the learning opportunities and mentorship I received, I am ready to shift direction toward something that will allow me to work less but make more money. Becoming a rent-seeking capitalist at your firm would be a great fit for me at this stage of my career.
In fact, I recently took a “What Career Best Suits You?” quiz on the reputable website Buzzfeed, and the result was unequivocal: I am best suited to own the means of production.
The process of commodifying my labor and selling it on the market for a low fixed wage has its appeal, but I believe I will be able to benefit more by exploiting the labor of others. I take my commitment to the bottom line over any and all human concerns seriously, and will work hard to use the fullest extent of the law to minimize my tax burden. The taxpayers of America should be paying me, not the other way around.
My passion for this position was inspired by my undergraduate coursework in Marxist theory, particularly the classes I took about the masterwork Das Kapital. The way that Marx describes those do-nothing rent-seeking capitalists struck me at my core: I knew immediately that I wanted to be one of them. The workers of the world will eventually overthrow the capitalist class in a great Proletarian Revolution, but until that day I would definitely like to be on the side of the capitalists.
I have heard the claims from other capitalists, especially before political contests, that the capitalist class is being unfairly targeted. I am ready to yell louder and more angrily about the injustice of the capitalist system toward capitalists. We must stay strong, together. If you take a chance on me, I will never let the capitalist class down.
If there are still no openings for the position of Rent-Seeking Capitalist, please consider my application for Program Assistant, as listed on your website. I have a lot of bills to pay.