While capitalism is still here, I may as well enjoy myself. After all, it’s not my fault.

Yes, I think it’s completely absurd that a latte would EVER cost $8. Yes, I can taste the difference between an $8 latte and a cheap $6 one. So, as long as there are $8 ones for sale, I’m going to buy them. I reject the system, but I love the taste.

Two things can be true at once. How absurd would it be if only one thing could be true at a time? Like, we had one total fact? How would Snapple sell products? Therefore, we can hold two competing ideas in our heads simultaneously. For example, I can have a trust fund and think trust funds are immoral.

I’m only buying things to stimulate the economy. I didn’t even want those lampshades; I just thought lampshade manufacturers were probably as economically devastated by the pandemic as everyone else. So I bought 14. I only had three lamps, so I had to buy 13 new ones. Then I had to buy a calculator, so as to avoid mistakes of my past. So, yeah, I stimulated a lot of industries ravaged by capitalism. Not that this should be my job.

It’s not my fault things are so expensive. I feel like people are as hard on me about my $1,200 iPhone as they are on AOC for her $300 haircut. I mean, no one specifically has ever said anything to me about it, but I’ve seen a few memes that appear to be targeted in my general direction.

What we’re seeing today isn’t capitalism gone awry; it’s actually capitalism functioning as it was intended to. I’m not really sure what that means, but it was a really popular tweet, so I’m just going to keep saying it again and again and again. What we’re seeing today isn’t capitalism.

There’s a fine line between capitalism and self-care. I won’t explain.

I’m just here to tell you capitalism is wrong. It’s not my job to get into specifics because I don’t have a job. Jobs are capitalistic!

How can I be a capitalist? I got a C- in Econ 101. My college doesn’t even normally give out grades that low (I went to a private college, which was not my choice!). I don’t know anything about capitalism. Except that I reject it.

I despise capitalism! The Bolsheviks had it right! I didn’t read too much about them (I stopped at 1916 — no spoilers!). But they’re right about capitalism being evil and wrong, and if socialists want to redistribute wealth… oh, what’s that? The Bolsheviks murdered all the socialists? Well, as I said, I haven’t finished the book. I actually only downloaded the free sample to my Kindle, because I hate capitalism. Also not super jazzed about reading.

I do not use Amazon. Jeff Bezos is evil. Well, I don’t use my own Amazon account.

You think I’m a pawn of the capitalist system? Think of all the things I haven’t spent money on. Floss, baking soda, towels (you can get them free from your parents’ apartment), vegetables. I’m a pro at not spending money. Because I wholeheartedly reject capitalism—

I’m not Kim Kardashian! I’m not Kylie Jenner! Don’t lump me in with them. I’m not extravagant! I don’t throw lavish birthday parties on faraway islands! (You need friends for that).

I’ve retweeted Bernie Sanders 74 times total. I’m part of the solution.

It is not my fault that things cost money. It is not my fault that corporations are run by evil maniacs. It is not my fault that our tax system is so screwed up. Other things that aren’t my fault include but are not limited to: the 17 typos in the professional email I just sent, my potentially offensive tweet, the fact that my roommate is now out of peanut butter.

Uh-oh: I just got to the end of the Bolshevik book. In case anyone asks about capitalism in this country, I had nothing to do with it.