As a conglomerate entity, which the Fourteenth Amendment clearly defines as a singular person, I would like to cast my vote for socialism. For me. But not for everyone who works for me.

The system I support is quite clear. If I drop the proverbial ball, it should be at your cost. If I’m straight up ballin’ for a whole quarter, I receive the full dividends. Because I’m a person, and I’m not made of you in any way, except when I fail, in which case I am made of not only all of you but every American taxpayer who isn’t even you or me.

If you want to know why the money doesn’t trickle down, it’s because it does, once you get about two-thirds of the way down. See, we have you under the capitalist system, so all the money you own will trickle out of you. But as for me, I am under socialism, which means that your tax money is handed out to me for such purposes as bailouts, government contracts, and that one sweet COVID deal where I was supposed to pay for your extra sick days.

You know what else trickles down? The tears on your face after I have convinced you how much you would suffer under socialism. I don’t suffer. But you would, trust me. As someone who has lots of money, I am therefore an expert on what should be done with everyone else’s money, which I’ll go ahead and suggest should be given to me in the case that I were to lose money when my business doesn’t unfold as I had planned.

Publicly traded companies, because we are so much at risk from financial ruin—barring our expansive safety nets—should be exempt from taxation as much as possible but simultaneously be primary recipients of government funding. It is the job of the public, notably the poor, to prop us up, but it should be the job of corporations to be propped up by our labor force. If we make a doofus move and our investors pull out, it’s up to you all to do some heavy lifting like you never have before—though, odds are many of you have literally done some heavy lifting, and most of us have never done any in our entire life.

So, let’s revisit the basics: Tax-funded intervention directly on your behalf is a form of socialism, which, as we’ve established, is evil and anti-freedom. On the other hand, tax-funded intervention on your behalf through the intermediary of myself is just another fun quirk of capitalism, and only I can invest it properly in you, which I will totally do every time, any time. Think of it as me taking that hard-earned money of yours that the government taxed, turning it into more money, and giving about 9 percent of it back to you. Don’t even try doing the math. We’ve helped you. And that’s the free market.

If you work for us, we want to help you, particularly if the work you do for us is lobbying. So, if you’re out there working long hours and risking your life and health pulling levers, making deliveries, enduring emotional abuse, or running on a hamster wheel, I have only one question: Why aren’t you lobbying? You have only yourself to blame.

And it’s because of your irresponsibility—choosing low-paying jobs so you can’t even invest in your own future—that socialism will never work for you. But it will work for me. And if it does, I promise to promise that I’ll make socialism for me work for you as well.