“I’m glad I ran into you today @AOC to plan our debate about the Green New Deal. After I finish reading all 14 pages, like we agreed, I’ll schedule time for our debate.” — Rep. Marjorie Taylor Green, in a tweet about the Green New Deal, a proposal she has apparently railed against without reading.

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As I have been saying for years, The Very Hungry Caterpillar is terrible, and no child should read it. And I will gladly explain why I think that, just as soon as I finish reading all 22 pages of this picture book.

You might be wondering how I can have an opinion on a book I haven’t read yet. The answer is pretty simple: I don’t like you, and you’re the one who recommended the book to me, so I’m pretty sure it’s a bad book.

You also might ask why it’s taken me this long to read a 22-page children’s picture book. Well, I’ll tell you: I’ve been too busy letting everyone know how much I hate The Very Hungry Caterpillar to have had time to read it. Also, it’s 22 pages long! Aren’t children’s books supposed to be short? Who has time to read 22 pages of mostly illustrations?

Besides, during any downtime I do end up having, I am fully occupied making it clear I despise another supposed children’s classic, Make Way For Ducklings. Where are these ducklings going that’s so important that I need to make way for them? Why don’t they make way for themselves, like real Americans?

And as for The Very Hungry Caterpillar, how hungry could this caterpillar even be? Caterpillars are so small, they barely need to eat anything. I bet I’m hungrier than this caterpillar. In fact, I’m actually really hungry right now. I have to delay reading this book, as I need to eat lunch first.

A friend of mine knows someone whose son read the book, and they told me that the caterpillar doesn’t even finish any of its meals — that it simply eats a hole through one piece of food to the next. So, who is to blame for the caterpillar’s hunger? Clearly not whoever is supplying the food. I don’t need to read the book to know that the caterpillar isn’t doing itself any favors.

In fact, I don’t need to read a single page to explain why I hate this book! I can just tell you what I assume happens at the end: the caterpillar eventually eats everyone else’s food, and the entire world starves to death, and life as we know it ceases to exist. Now, who would think a book like that would be enjoyable for adults, never mind for children? I rest my case.

Next, I’ll explain why Where’s Waldo? is despicable and inappropriate. Just as soon as I find Waldo.