As I gaze out on this great nation, I cannot help but be dismayed with the tone of our politics. We are far too quick to demonize those with whom we disagree. Far too willing to engage in harsh rhetoric, to place blame instead of seeking common ground. But we cannot let our passions blind us to rational debate. Although it may be difficult, we must learn to respect not only those who agree with us, but also the poisonous enemies of America who do not.
I recently met a young woman from Decatur, Illinois. She told me of her struggles—she had recently lost her job, then her mother was hit by a bus, then her father got parvo from the dog that was hired to replace the young woman at her job driving buses. And I felt her struggles, because her struggles were also my struggles, as a fellow human being. And something changed in me. And then, later, it changed back after I saw that she had “liked” a Facebook post by a celebrity endorsing a political candidate that I do not like. I hope she and her dumb parvo family rot in dog hell.
It is time to unite as one, America. Time to come together. And that applies to everyone, including the large group of protesters that my security team penned behind steel barricades a safe distance from this podium. In fact, let’s come together right now. Let’s take down those divisive barricades. Yes, all of you protesters, let’s make this symbolic gesture of coming together right now. Right this way, protesters. Right up to the edge of the moat. That’s it. Right up to the platform extending out over the edge of Agitated Gator Moat.
Remember: at our core, we are all Americans or Americans who are stupid and ruining America. We must remember that thing we almost have in common.
So you there, with the MSNBC-issued horn-rimmed glasses: put down your pitchfork, and engage your fellow man in respectful dialogue! And you there, with the FOX NEWS T-shirt, preparing to throw a Molotov cocktail into a Planned Parenthood: lay down your gasoline-soaked cloth wick, and extend your non-lighter-bearing hand! And you, with CNN written in green Sharpie across your bare chest, with your head stuck in a paint can and you are banging the paint can with a wooden spoon and you just stepped on a rake and now you are tumbling down a hill into a briar patch filled with flaming horse crap and fireworks and bees and SARS—never mind, you just stay down there! The rest of us will begin a national dialogue, and then we will head down to check on you!
Now is the time to engage in honest discussion about real issues without resorting to petty squabbling or name-calling. It is time for respecting our differences. Because at the end of the day, America, we all must live together.
After the end of the day, of course, when darkness falls, it’s open fucking season on approximately half of you.